Quentin Coyote (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
quentincoyote) wrote2011-02-04 07:18 pm
quentincoyote) wrote2011-02-04 07:18 pm
Entry tags:
The problem of Inception.
So, let's work through this intellectual exercise together.
We discovered, and believed, many things together. The Place of no Time. Iced Tea. Soup. That we created the Universe together. That we were made for each other. That we created each other, for each other. That we were Always. That we were One. All of us, always, but especially You and Me. That we could Hear each other. That we could make things Happen. And, we did. I saw it. You saw it.
Was any of that real? Did you actually believe it? Do you still? I can't speak for you, but, I certainly did. And, I still do. I suppose, I have to. For one thing, having seen that world, too many things still keep Happening, even now. Too much for coincidence. For another, there's just... too much of the way I think that's now built upon all of that. I don't even know if I know how to *not* think that way anymore. Not that that's a particularly good reason to believe in fantasy and illusion, if it was all just that...
To go back to the way it was, before we learned all these things, would be to become Less than we are now.
Did you find a way to do that? Is living like that ok to you? I don't know, but, it just isn't ok, to me.
I mean, really, where do you go from There, from such a height, but down? I don't think that you get more than one of those in a lifetime... you know? I mean like, what, how would that even go? "Oh no wait, I'm sorry, I was wrong, it wasn't me and that other guy that created the universe together, it was me and *you*, new person that I've met, after thinking that about myself and someone else. Sorry, I was mistaken about it before, but now I see it was *you* all along!"
Really? Are you really gonna believe that from yourself again? I mean, I dunno... maybe I'm wrong. Have you? Maybe you can. Maybe you do. But, I just don't think that I can. Even I can't bullshit myself that well.
So then, the problem with this whole thing, is that there's really only three possibilities, none of which are particularly good. The first, that it was/is all true, every bit of it, in the way that we always thought about it. And if that's the case, then this whole current situation is just wrong and complete bullshit, and wasted time and life.
The second, is that it was true-ish, but, that you can somehow just keep transferring all of that over to the next guy. Which, again, I don't believe. I can't do it. As for you, I don't know what you think about that, but, either you can't either, in which case, I don't see how you could feel like it's anything other than a step down either. Or, you can do it, and do think that with him now. Which I suppose would be great for you and him, but I just don't see *how* you can. If you can make that kind of swap, if it is not unique to one couple, then by definition, how true could any of it really ever be in the first place?
Or, the third, and most distressing possibility of all. That it was in fact not real. Not like we thought of it all. That it was all just the crazy... craziness of everything. That everything was ordinary, just another among all the numbers, just the same as everyone else. This is the nightmare option. Because, that means, I have touched an idea that is impossible, that cannot exist. And now, it has become better than everything else. Better than any real thing that, for being real, could ever exist. I am in love with an impossible idea, that I believed, that I experienced, and that now is gone. I am forever cursed now, as Anything will always be merely Settling, will always be a step down, from Everything.
We discovered, and believed, many things together. The Place of no Time. Iced Tea. Soup. That we created the Universe together. That we were made for each other. That we created each other, for each other. That we were Always. That we were One. All of us, always, but especially You and Me. That we could Hear each other. That we could make things Happen. And, we did. I saw it. You saw it.
Was any of that real? Did you actually believe it? Do you still? I can't speak for you, but, I certainly did. And, I still do. I suppose, I have to. For one thing, having seen that world, too many things still keep Happening, even now. Too much for coincidence. For another, there's just... too much of the way I think that's now built upon all of that. I don't even know if I know how to *not* think that way anymore. Not that that's a particularly good reason to believe in fantasy and illusion, if it was all just that...
To go back to the way it was, before we learned all these things, would be to become Less than we are now.
Did you find a way to do that? Is living like that ok to you? I don't know, but, it just isn't ok, to me.
I mean, really, where do you go from There, from such a height, but down? I don't think that you get more than one of those in a lifetime... you know? I mean like, what, how would that even go? "Oh no wait, I'm sorry, I was wrong, it wasn't me and that other guy that created the universe together, it was me and *you*, new person that I've met, after thinking that about myself and someone else. Sorry, I was mistaken about it before, but now I see it was *you* all along!"
Really? Are you really gonna believe that from yourself again? I mean, I dunno... maybe I'm wrong. Have you? Maybe you can. Maybe you do. But, I just don't think that I can. Even I can't bullshit myself that well.
So then, the problem with this whole thing, is that there's really only three possibilities, none of which are particularly good. The first, that it was/is all true, every bit of it, in the way that we always thought about it. And if that's the case, then this whole current situation is just wrong and complete bullshit, and wasted time and life.
The second, is that it was true-ish, but, that you can somehow just keep transferring all of that over to the next guy. Which, again, I don't believe. I can't do it. As for you, I don't know what you think about that, but, either you can't either, in which case, I don't see how you could feel like it's anything other than a step down either. Or, you can do it, and do think that with him now. Which I suppose would be great for you and him, but I just don't see *how* you can. If you can make that kind of swap, if it is not unique to one couple, then by definition, how true could any of it really ever be in the first place?
Or, the third, and most distressing possibility of all. That it was in fact not real. Not like we thought of it all. That it was all just the crazy... craziness of everything. That everything was ordinary, just another among all the numbers, just the same as everyone else. This is the nightmare option. Because, that means, I have touched an idea that is impossible, that cannot exist. And now, it has become better than everything else. Better than any real thing that, for being real, could ever exist. I am in love with an impossible idea, that I believed, that I experienced, and that now is gone. I am forever cursed now, as Anything will always be merely Settling, will always be a step down, from Everything.
no subject
When you feel it for the first time, it's so crazy and wonderful and amazing that it's special. It is special. Perhaps THE special if the poets are to be believed. Maybe so. But it is not unique. You can do it again. Or let it happen again? The important word is 'again'.
After seeing your first eclipse, it's hard to believe that you'll ever see anything like that again. Eclipses are rare, and you can't control them. But if you watch the sky long enough, you'll see another.
And it's just as good the second time around. Really.
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You kind of fall into it the first time and it happens quickly.
The second time, it happens much slower and more gradually. It's like reading a book in a current and then you look up and you're there.
Just wanted to let you know so you're not expecting it to happen the same way the second time. But apparently, the second time gives you a lot longer to look around and appreciate the special.
no subject
A way out
If you believe that you and he were Always...perhaps you are correct. But perhaps you are simply getting too caught up in the idea of individual identity. Love is Always. You are Always. But the specific faces of love, the specific expressions of love...those vary. Is what you had then different than what two other people had? Or is it -all- Always?
To you, the difference between him and someone else is obvious and incalculable, but that is because you are viewing it from your own perspective. But on the scale of Everything, it is just different faces on the same idea.
I have no clue if this makes any sense to you, but this possibility allows for you to find what you have lost again. With someone else. Just as I have found it myself.
The error, to me, is in thinking there is just one for you to love, when really there is All. It is you who makes the distinction, and you who chooses this one over that one. You have never lost or gained anything.
Re: A way out
Re: A way out
..even if I really am more just a dog these days. =)
Re: A way out
Re: A way out
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Whether or not it was "real" or not doesn't really matter. What I think what matters more is the experience of the connection. Good or bad, at least you felt something at the time, and undoubtedly you will feel the same connection in the future, but that connection will never be comparable to what you've already been through. It might be similar, but it won't be a copy.
My least favorite saying has always been "live each day as if it were your last". My new favorite saying is "live each day as if it were to last forever"; even though it won't. Highs/lows, virtues/vices, good times/bad times; they are all awesome. The only time when you should worried is when you feel absolutely nothing at all. Is that even possible? I don't have a clue.
I say its possible to fall in love more than once in a lifetime. You can have ten ex-boyfriends, and loved all of them. Just because the relationship is over, doesn't mean the love you felt during each of those ten relationships wasn't real. You can create a universe with someone made up of iced tea and soup, and when that universe is done you can move on and build a universe of pudding and vegetable samosas with someone else.
So with all that said, let me also say I have no idea what you're post is about, and I hope that my ramblings make some sort of sense in respect to how you feel right now.
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Less cynical: Time is the fourth dimension, and it stretches out before and behind us. You are not the you that existed five minutes ago, a month ago, a year ago, three years ago. "You" is a concept that is constantly evolving.
If You are a line, and He is a line, then the two lines intersected for a time, and then parted. All that you shared, it is real, forever preserved in the amber of the past. That is immutable, unchanging. There is a purity of essence there that is forever stamped the canvas of the universe.
But You and He changed. Everything changes. Everything ends. The lines diverted. Why? I don't know. I'm not you or him. I don't think you know, either, which is why you restlessly search for answers.
There isn't an answer to the questions you're asking. I wonder if there is a purpose in asking them. Perhaps there is for you. I can't ever know you.
Your lines intersected. They parted. The feelings were real. Then they changed. Mourn your loss. It was a loss worth mourning. Then, turn your restless spirit elsewhere. Your best days are past only if you allow them to be.
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As for the rest... your words make sense, and are of value... Yet, there is one thing... on which I would have agreed with you once, and yet, I simply can't anymore. And I can't explain it, and you cannot believe me. But, once you have seen beneath the waves, Felt another island touch yours, and understood for the first time that all are Same, you can never unsee that again. This sounds like metaphor, but it is not. And, it changes... Everything.
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I know we talked about this last night, in great detail, but it wasn't enough detail. We both stated many times that words fail us in conversation, and that we only really know what to say when writing. I would much rather talk to you, because I love hearing your voice, dad, but sometimes I need to say things here for ME to understand what I'm saying.
Long story short, stop dwelling on what may or may not be, because that's not you. It hurts, but you can't let him or his memories control your life. You don't need to lock your door, but it isn't your responsibility to open it. You can lock it when you feel the time is right, but stop waiting by it. The door can be opened without your supervision, and you'll know when it's opened even if you aren't paying attention.
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no subject