It comes down to this. He's still with you in some way. We've discussed this. He is still with you and always will be, just not in this space of time. There is nothing that can be done in this space of time to change this. I know you always think about it, and you want answers, but maybe you should instead of spending your time wondering on questions that can't be answered, if you should focus your time on those in your life in this space of time. (No, this isn't a ploy to get you to talk to me more, we talk plenty as it is. I'm almost afraid you're going to tell me we talk too much. :P) Those who love you want you to be happy, and the more you dwell on this, the less you are going to be happy. We don't know if moving on is an option at this point in time, again we talked about this, but you shouldn't dwell on this. You need not decide on this now, this is a decision that is not immediately time-restricted, so you should decide to let yourself be yourself without him. If you can't be you without him, how can you expect to be yourself when/if he comes back... or even how can you be yourself if someone else comes along? You need to be you despite everyone else, dad, like any good coyote.

I know we talked about this last night, in great detail, but it wasn't enough detail. We both stated many times that words fail us in conversation, and that we only really know what to say when writing. I would much rather talk to you, because I love hearing your voice, dad, but sometimes I need to say things here for ME to understand what I'm saying.

Long story short, stop dwelling on what may or may not be, because that's not you. It hurts, but you can't let him or his memories control your life. You don't need to lock your door, but it isn't your responsibility to open it. You can lock it when you feel the time is right, but stop waiting by it. The door can be opened without your supervision, and you'll know when it's opened even if you aren't paying attention.