![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quentincoyoteSo today, I found out that the one person in my local area who I kinda sorta maybe thought might be mutually compatible with me as relationship material... has found someone else, and is now taken.
I'm not, like, crushingly saddened, or mourning over a loss that was never mine to claim in the first place, or anything like that.. Rather, if anything, I'm just a little sad with myself that I didn't make more of an effort to reach out for a connection that I felt might be there.
New Jersey has been very very shiny for me, ever since the move, and I've met a lot of cool new people, whom I genuinely like, and, as well, several of them appear to have the potential to be friends that I could also yiff. An arrangement, that I would be perfectly comfortable and happy with, to be sure. *chuckles* In some cases, even more so than others. ^.^ On top of that, inexplicably, I also seem to be suddenly getting propositioned for such things quite a bit, from people in places rather far flung. Like, 'let me know if you'll be at such and such con,' etc.
And yes, this has all been very fun and entertaining, to be sure. Like I said, everything's very shiny right now.
Still though, underneath all this, I was always analyzing everything on deeper levels as well.. it's just my way. And, pretty much right away, I zeroed in on the one person, mentally. For whatever the various personal or merely situational reasons might be, the rest of these could only be just for fun. This one was the only relationship game in town for me.
In times past, I have had a tendency to always be on the lookout for 'The One', and to make a bee line for someone, if I thought there might be the slightest chance of such. Usually (though not always), sooner or later, to eventual disasterous result. Still though, even with the good times, as well as the bad, a part of me doesn't feel like I ever managed to get it quite right yet. If I had, then, arguably, I would still be with whoever that might have happened with, even now. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes not, sometimes a combination. But whatever, it kinda makes little difference, cause everyone knows how we all play these things out in our heads. :-P
Whatever. Each time regardless, it kept making me a little more and more jaded about the need to be in a relationship at all.. Until finally, after my breakup with Zia earlier this year, I just felt like, okay, ya know what, I'm done with all this now, I did it, I don't need it anymore, I'm tired of this and that and the other thing, I like my freedom and indepencence, I like my personal space and alone time too, and I don't really want to subsume myself into being one half of some thing, vampirically needing me to subsist and complete it.. it lessens my own wholeness as a person. (This is not a dig at you, Zia, this is a general statement, and you were one of the good ones. *hugs tight*)
But aaaaaanyway, circling back more to the thoughts that started this...
I like friends with benefits. It's like having all the nice, good parts of being in a relationship, without all the bullshit and agita about it, and you can have lots of them, each different and special in their own ways.
*chuckles softly* Still though... I am my own world of contradictions too... And, there is still that part of me that wishes for a more deeper, permanent connection.
In a general sense, I figure I was/am really ready now, finally, for that whole, trite but true, thing of.. I'm really not looking for that relationship. But, if it somehow comes along on it's own, and is eventually staring me so blatantly in the face that I can no longer ignore it, then I will grudgeingly acquiesce to it, and be happy.
In the more immediate realm, my general sense was... I had my eye on that person mentioned above, yes. And, my intention was, I would 'keep them in my back pocket', as it were. Overtly, I would go wild, and have fun exploring all the new shiny around me. As the backdrop though, I would be slowly, benignly, circling around this person, getting to know them better as a friend, getting close to them. Finally, once I had gotten all of that other stuff out of my system, I would take stock, and, if I felt I was ready for it again yet... it would either be obvious that it was right at that point or not, and I would act accordingly.
*chuckles*
But, now they're gone, and I am adrift again, with no one else immediately apparent close by who's slow-orbit-worthy like that. Rush for it, don't rush for it.. Can't win if you do, and can't win if you don't, it seems.
*shrugs* ah well.
There are a couple of others out there in the far flung wilds.. I could count them using less than one paw.. whom I like very much, and who I either feel could be someone special like that to me, or who I at least think could potentially be, pending further exploration and getting to know each other.. However, they are all very far away from me.. and I just do not do long distance relationships. I will not do that to myself again. And, in some cases, even if distance were not an issue, all other things being equal, the situation right now just would not be right for some of them. They merely have too many other important things going on in their lives right now, that must take priority for the moment.
So, as it is, these remain just that - potential and possibility, but unknown.. a 'who knows what the future could bring one day' sort of thing.
The funny thing is, and another internal contradiction that I just don't know quite what to do with... Is that I feel that I would move to be with someone, if we came to see that we were meant to be together like that. The thing is though, that I kind of don't see how that very thing could come about, without us already being in close proximity to each other, for the real life relationship to develop in the first place.
So, it's kind of a whole chicken-or-the-egg-thing.. and how do you solve it?
I have a whole life here.. friends, social life, career finally in a job that I love. If I were to just pick up and leave all that behind to try to be with someone, before that learning and growth together happened.. how could that work? That just seems like a recipe for disaster. And furthermore, in doing so, on top of it all, you're making it so that person is your whole world or else. That's a heck of a lot of pressure and strain to put on someone. You need to be able to bring your own world to the table, to put side by side with their own, making one huge greater thing.. not two incomplete halves, trying to fit together to make a single whole. Nor even a whole, and one half.. things just can't work that way in the long run, or not well at least..
And as for the other way around, if someone moved to me, well sure.. that alleviates those sorts of losses on my part, but then I wouldn't see how they could help but think exactly the same sorts of things, for themselves, the other way around.
So, I dunno... I'm kind of rambling now at this point, I suppose...
What do I want..
I want someone intelligent, charismatic, upbeat, adventurous and excited to try new things. Someone that I can have fun with, merely doing the same sorts of things together that I would otherwise be doing on my own, but could also show me new things too. As one such friend of mine put it, I want to be just as starstruck by them, as they would be starstruck by me. Too much one-way looking down or up at the other's brilliance, then it won't last.
I want someone successful and self-sufficient, with a world and life all their own. There can be plenty of sharing and overlap.. but, it should be able stand on it's own and satisfy, even if I wasn't there. They want me there for me.. they don't need me there else they'd crumble on their own, emotionally or otherwise..
And, I want someone who loves affection, is affectionate with me, and has a libido that can match my own. I want to get laid at least twice a day, oftentimes probably more, and I want them to want it just as much as I do. Preferably, they should be a switch, cause so am I, and I just wouldn't be satisfied with only one way or the other, over the long term ;-P And, they should probably be somewhat polyamorous too.. We'd be each other's 'primaries', but we'd feel that sharing sex and affection with our friends would merely be increasing the love in the world, not taking it away from one or the other. Besides, Furry has the capacity for so many wonderful things in that regard. I would hope we'd both prefer to relish in it and share it together, rather than going back to monogamously restricting it all over again..
Meh.. All such simple things, really. Or not. ^.^
Okay.. I'm hungry. Now I go eat.
I'm not, like, crushingly saddened, or mourning over a loss that was never mine to claim in the first place, or anything like that.. Rather, if anything, I'm just a little sad with myself that I didn't make more of an effort to reach out for a connection that I felt might be there.
New Jersey has been very very shiny for me, ever since the move, and I've met a lot of cool new people, whom I genuinely like, and, as well, several of them appear to have the potential to be friends that I could also yiff. An arrangement, that I would be perfectly comfortable and happy with, to be sure. *chuckles* In some cases, even more so than others. ^.^ On top of that, inexplicably, I also seem to be suddenly getting propositioned for such things quite a bit, from people in places rather far flung. Like, 'let me know if you'll be at such and such con,' etc.
And yes, this has all been very fun and entertaining, to be sure. Like I said, everything's very shiny right now.
Still though, underneath all this, I was always analyzing everything on deeper levels as well.. it's just my way. And, pretty much right away, I zeroed in on the one person, mentally. For whatever the various personal or merely situational reasons might be, the rest of these could only be just for fun. This one was the only relationship game in town for me.
In times past, I have had a tendency to always be on the lookout for 'The One', and to make a bee line for someone, if I thought there might be the slightest chance of such. Usually (though not always), sooner or later, to eventual disasterous result. Still though, even with the good times, as well as the bad, a part of me doesn't feel like I ever managed to get it quite right yet. If I had, then, arguably, I would still be with whoever that might have happened with, even now. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes not, sometimes a combination. But whatever, it kinda makes little difference, cause everyone knows how we all play these things out in our heads. :-P
Whatever. Each time regardless, it kept making me a little more and more jaded about the need to be in a relationship at all.. Until finally, after my breakup with Zia earlier this year, I just felt like, okay, ya know what, I'm done with all this now, I did it, I don't need it anymore, I'm tired of this and that and the other thing, I like my freedom and indepencence, I like my personal space and alone time too, and I don't really want to subsume myself into being one half of some thing, vampirically needing me to subsist and complete it.. it lessens my own wholeness as a person. (This is not a dig at you, Zia, this is a general statement, and you were one of the good ones. *hugs tight*)
But aaaaaanyway, circling back more to the thoughts that started this...
I like friends with benefits. It's like having all the nice, good parts of being in a relationship, without all the bullshit and agita about it, and you can have lots of them, each different and special in their own ways.
*chuckles softly* Still though... I am my own world of contradictions too... And, there is still that part of me that wishes for a more deeper, permanent connection.
In a general sense, I figure I was/am really ready now, finally, for that whole, trite but true, thing of.. I'm really not looking for that relationship. But, if it somehow comes along on it's own, and is eventually staring me so blatantly in the face that I can no longer ignore it, then I will grudgeingly acquiesce to it, and be happy.
In the more immediate realm, my general sense was... I had my eye on that person mentioned above, yes. And, my intention was, I would 'keep them in my back pocket', as it were. Overtly, I would go wild, and have fun exploring all the new shiny around me. As the backdrop though, I would be slowly, benignly, circling around this person, getting to know them better as a friend, getting close to them. Finally, once I had gotten all of that other stuff out of my system, I would take stock, and, if I felt I was ready for it again yet... it would either be obvious that it was right at that point or not, and I would act accordingly.
*chuckles*
But, now they're gone, and I am adrift again, with no one else immediately apparent close by who's slow-orbit-worthy like that. Rush for it, don't rush for it.. Can't win if you do, and can't win if you don't, it seems.
*shrugs* ah well.
There are a couple of others out there in the far flung wilds.. I could count them using less than one paw.. whom I like very much, and who I either feel could be someone special like that to me, or who I at least think could potentially be, pending further exploration and getting to know each other.. However, they are all very far away from me.. and I just do not do long distance relationships. I will not do that to myself again. And, in some cases, even if distance were not an issue, all other things being equal, the situation right now just would not be right for some of them. They merely have too many other important things going on in their lives right now, that must take priority for the moment.
So, as it is, these remain just that - potential and possibility, but unknown.. a 'who knows what the future could bring one day' sort of thing.
The funny thing is, and another internal contradiction that I just don't know quite what to do with... Is that I feel that I would move to be with someone, if we came to see that we were meant to be together like that. The thing is though, that I kind of don't see how that very thing could come about, without us already being in close proximity to each other, for the real life relationship to develop in the first place.
So, it's kind of a whole chicken-or-the-egg-thing.. and how do you solve it?
I have a whole life here.. friends, social life, career finally in a job that I love. If I were to just pick up and leave all that behind to try to be with someone, before that learning and growth together happened.. how could that work? That just seems like a recipe for disaster. And furthermore, in doing so, on top of it all, you're making it so that person is your whole world or else. That's a heck of a lot of pressure and strain to put on someone. You need to be able to bring your own world to the table, to put side by side with their own, making one huge greater thing.. not two incomplete halves, trying to fit together to make a single whole. Nor even a whole, and one half.. things just can't work that way in the long run, or not well at least..
And as for the other way around, if someone moved to me, well sure.. that alleviates those sorts of losses on my part, but then I wouldn't see how they could help but think exactly the same sorts of things, for themselves, the other way around.
So, I dunno... I'm kind of rambling now at this point, I suppose...
What do I want..
I want someone intelligent, charismatic, upbeat, adventurous and excited to try new things. Someone that I can have fun with, merely doing the same sorts of things together that I would otherwise be doing on my own, but could also show me new things too. As one such friend of mine put it, I want to be just as starstruck by them, as they would be starstruck by me. Too much one-way looking down or up at the other's brilliance, then it won't last.
I want someone successful and self-sufficient, with a world and life all their own. There can be plenty of sharing and overlap.. but, it should be able stand on it's own and satisfy, even if I wasn't there. They want me there for me.. they don't need me there else they'd crumble on their own, emotionally or otherwise..
And, I want someone who loves affection, is affectionate with me, and has a libido that can match my own. I want to get laid at least twice a day, oftentimes probably more, and I want them to want it just as much as I do. Preferably, they should be a switch, cause so am I, and I just wouldn't be satisfied with only one way or the other, over the long term ;-P And, they should probably be somewhat polyamorous too.. We'd be each other's 'primaries', but we'd feel that sharing sex and affection with our friends would merely be increasing the love in the world, not taking it away from one or the other. Besides, Furry has the capacity for so many wonderful things in that regard. I would hope we'd both prefer to relish in it and share it together, rather than going back to monogamously restricting it all over again..
Meh.. All such simple things, really. Or not. ^.^
Okay.. I'm hungry. Now I go eat.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 01:23 am (UTC)and no i didn't take that as a jab but thanks for the special mention it was sweet of you *pats your ears* and yeah i was clingy and couldn't take a hint and should have given you more space. blah blah blah anyway we had fun and it gave you some perspective. so not all bad :)
still you never know you might still find that one (or several) and it might be someone you dont expect.
yay foods?
no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 01:28 am (UTC)That is exactly 99% how i feel, and describes my current situation, desires, wants and experiences, as well as thoughts and wants. (abeit a long winded version)
I'm half tempted to copy this into my LJ so i don't have to type it all lol.
Now only if there were more like us, we could all keep each other satisfied.
Ironically enough apart from being long distance the person I am most interested in and who is most interested in me back, shares many of my thoughts and feelings and has the potential to be the person who's made me the most happy in anything I could deam a relationship.
The 2 obsticals, the distance, and her stability. She doesn't feel like she is self sufficient enough at this time to be good for a relationship (nor is she herself particularly ready or looking for one atm) and refuses to take advantage of anyone unnecessarily so is working to better her situation so she has more to bring to the table, and that makes me love her all the more.
But until such a time passes that we are ready willing and able to get together long term, we're not really holding each other prisoner or accountable for any fun possibly had along the way. Hey we're young, we're in demand and we're furry, might as well take it while we can ya know.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 02:32 am (UTC)*Cynic mode off*
no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 03:03 am (UTC)Eh, I dont want to say to much on this subject at this point in time...heh I've just decided that for now I don't have time for such thouyghts with work and Grad school et all, hell I barely have time for myself as it is.
*hugs tight* best of luck in this man, you deserve it bro.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 04:55 am (UTC)Sham Wedding!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 07:48 am (UTC)I like friends with benefits. ... And, there is still that part of me that wishes for a more deeper, permanent connection.
I agree, though I've been leaning more toward deeper connections myself, lately. Sex with a friend is all well and good (hell, it might even be mind-blowing), but quite often it's still missing that ... something. The emotional pieces don't fit quite right. The spark of emotional intimacy isn't there, and without it, it's just wanking with a friend.
Not that there's anything wrong with that -- sex can be insanely fun and worthwhile on its own merits. I just really get off hard on that emotional intimacy, I guess.
And yeah, I'm generally in favor of open relationships, though they're definitely harder than closed ones are. Jealousy is a difficult thing to manage.
Ah well. Maybe one day. We can both hope, yeah? ;)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 08:35 am (UTC)Just gotta look deeper in yourself, see where life is going, where you want it to go, and try and find what you'd like to conclude it all with. But even then you simply never know. Hell I'm settling down, though I've never been in a relationship before..thing is though, I was never really looking, and wasn't in this case either, it just happened over a long course of time, and now I couldn't be happier with whom I've chosen to be with for so long, him sharing the same feelings.
As others have said, and as I'm sure you're aware of, things can come up and happen, when you're not even expecting or wanting them to. And sometimes, thats' the best way for it to happen. You're on the ride of Life..it goes where ever, and you're going with it, and you're happy, so theres' much goodness there.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 11:12 am (UTC)There very well may be someone you will get together with at some point, because anything can happen.
You're also right to not try force the issue and let things be as they be because you also recognize you're 'happy in your place' and... isn't that worth the other lifes moments we encounter?
All that said, Though I lived and grew up Mass/Boston/Cape Cod I was initially born New Jersey and in my younger years (up to about 9-10 years old) family would make frequent trips back to New Jersey/Toms River to friends and neighbors. Been YEARS since I've been there. Maybe bounce for a visit some future time.
-Danruk!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-17 06:26 pm (UTC)I think one of the nicest perks about FWBs is that they put you in the happy position of not NEEDING a relationship. You don't have to be desperately on the lookout for "the One", glomping onto anyone you think might be a candidate because you're focussed on your needs and not what will work for both of you long-term. And then if the One really does come along, FWBs still nicely take the pressure off each of you having to be 100% everything the other wants in a mate and help keep you together (none of the "I'm a switch and he only wants to top" stress, or getting frustrated because your libidos run at radically different levels).
Besides, if you're looking for the One, and if the standard for what makes someone the One is how good a friend he is and how much you push each other's buttons ... he probably is going to be one of your FWBs. It's not as though you have FWBs and then look for your mate somewhere else amongst total strangers! :)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-18 06:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-19 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-23 12:57 am (UTC)Oh as for the Lips, great group but are you familiar with the story of how the animal costumes came into being used?
no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 06:57 pm (UTC)I wrote about them as well as have a few links here on my LJ
http://lupine52.livejournal.com/73666.html
no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 10:03 pm (UTC)