Two years ago...
Sep. 11th, 2003 03:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quentincoyoteWell, so of course today is the second anniversary of Sept. 11th. Many, many things have changed since that time, both for me personally, and in the world at large.
Do not take this statement in any way as a diminishment of the tragedy of what happened... But I take it as a positive sign, that for various reasons, I actually feel rather great today. I am still saddened by the memory of it all - but life has gone on. I am stronger, and better off, then I have perhaps ever been in my entire life thus far. If that is not a sign of triumph through adversity, I don't know what is.
To say that there are still many problems in the world, is a gross understatement. And in fact, on the down side of things, I am particularly nauseated by Bush & Co's (tm) cynical twisting of the whole ordeal into a political tool to fuel their completely non-related and Orwellian agendas.
I would like to share something that I wrote back then, only one day after the attack. I wish that I could say that all of the positive hope and solidarity I was, even then, inspired with, has remained intact. Sadly, much of that has been dashed to pieces by that above treasonous usurper. Yet, a kernel of it does still remain, particularly for my city, and for we as a people at least. It is my hope that we may yet find our way out of this darkness, and again strive to be benevolent citizens of the world.
As for me, I'm trying to do my part, every day of my life. I think and hope, I'm doing pretty alright.
[9/12/01]
Well, I've had another day now to come to grips with this thing... On the one hand, I spent much of the day crying yesterday... And on the other, I still almost can't believe that it actually happened. I was woken up at 10 a.m. yesterday by my clock radio. I was still mostly asleep, and I heard some guy saying something about an airplane crashing into the world trade center. I thought this must just be some kind of tv show or movie they were hyping. I kept waiting for the punch line, or the network identification, or whatever, and it never came. It was like it was some kind of War of the Worlds practical joke or something.
Then I turned on the tv... ...and saw this apocalypse. I could not believe what I was seeing. I pulled open my blinds to look out the window. Nothing. My apartment is on 86 street, and faces towards the south of Manhattan. I can see the Chrysler building, but my view of the trade center is obscured by other buildings. And it was an absolutely clear, beautiful, warm day.
I turned back to the tv. The towers are burning. It is real. Then... I saw that horrible view of the blue airplane flying into the second tower, almost as if in slow motion... I don't have the words... I don't know how much time passed. I couldn't see one of the towers through all the smoke. Nobody knew what had happened yet. That it had in fact collapsed. Then I heard one of the commentators saying that he thought the tower was gone. I thought, no, it couldn't be possible. Then they all started confirming it. Yes, the tower had collapsed. Horror does not even begin to describe it. I looked at the second
tower, it's top covered in smoke and flames. But I thought, no, it will be okay. It is terrible, but it doesn't look much worse than the bombing in '93. It will survive. At least these unspeakable motherfuckers could not destroy it all.
And just as I thought this... the top crumbled... the antenna sinking straight down into smoke... the sheer weight of it all bringing the rest down. Again in slow motion. It is so big... it took so long... I started screaming.
I am not a religious person. But I thank god that none of my friends or
family were taken by this atrocity. But there were so many people... It will be a miracle if I escape this totally unscathed. My deepest sorrow and sympathy goes out to anyone who may have lost someone.
I picked up the phone. I could not get through to anyone. Finally, my mother in New Jersey was able to get through to me somehow. Thank god at least she would be able to let people know that I was alright. I had just recently landed a job just a couple of blocks away from there, only to have it canceled just before I was to start work, due to a hiring
freeze. I have been pissed off for weeks about this. Now, it may have saved my life.
I could not bear to stay in my apartment by myself, so I determined to work my way north to a friend of mine at Columbia university. As I was on the street, I had so many thoughts... Who do I know that might be down there... I went through a whole checklist of my friends and acquaintances. Where did they work? Where were they supposed to be today? How many, who I might have been laughing and having a good time with only days before, would I now be burying? If their bodies were ever even found... And I'd broken up with my boyfriend of three years, only a couple months before. I wasn't sure where he was now. I
thought, he could be down there right now, for some reason, and he wouldn't be if I hadn't broken up, and I will have killed him. I'd heard about the pentagon by this time, and the other missing planes. And for all I knew, this was just the beginning. How do I know there's not some guy with a fucking suitcase nuke running around right now, waiting to blow up the whole island any second? I'm going to die today, right now on this fucking street, all alone.
I eventually made it up to Columbia. We decided to go out to this local bar and grill, and watch things with everyone else. The place was jam packed, people yelling, crying, disbelief. Outside was this mass exodus of cars going north, trying to flee the city. We saw big trailer trucks filled with kids through the open side doors, presumably ferrying them away from the schools.
On the tv, they started showing clips of Palestinian kids waving flags, and dancing in the streets. I was filled with such rage. I wanted blood, and I wanted it now. And I was horrified at myself for thinking that. I thought, no no no, you can't do this, you're not being rational, this kind of thinking will spiral out of control, and if everyone does this, there will be rioting and murder, and nuclear war. But may god forgive me, I didn't care...
***
Things are calmer today. The city is kind of eerily quiet. But, the cabs and busses are running. I have power and water and air conditioning. Businesses are open, and you can go down to the corner deli and get a pastrami on rye. Everyone is somber and sorrowful; you
can see it in their eyes. But, everyone is calm... and there is a bond. You can't quite describe it, but you can feel it. Everyone seems to act more kindly, and a little bit protective of everyone else. Black, white, asian, young, old, gay, straight, whatever. All of that is erased today. We are New Yorkers. And we are Americans. Complete strangers say hello on the street, and chat with each other across tables at the cafes, offer of their food/water/cigarettes, help carry things, help with kids. The lines to volunteer at the hospitals run around the blocks. Everyone has a knowing look and a kind word for
everyone else...
I walked out to Carl Schutz Park today, over by the East River, next to Gracie Mansion. Many people had the same idea, and again it was a sunny, beautiful, blue-sky day. Over at the dog run, all the little dogs were running around and playing with each other, little kids running around with them, and all the adults, again complete strangers, laughing and smiling at their antics.
We are a strong people, and we will rebuild. The tragedy is not over, and there will be many more tears to come, but we will survive, and we will triumph. I have never before experienced such a feeling of community and common bond. I am only a recent transplant here of a few years, and I used to laugh at such cliches. But today I can say that I
am truly proud to be a New Yorker, in this, the greatest city in the world.
Even as early as yesterday, I had started to wonder what they would put in the towers' place. Would they leave it empty, as a sort of Hiroshima monument? For a while, I thought they should. But today, I think differently. And from what I've been seeing, many many people think the same. After the rubble has been cleared away, the dead mourned and buried, the wounds cleaned... We will build the biggest fuck-you tower the world has ever seen. Twice as big, three times as high! A beautiful shining beacon, a symbol of pride for our city, and our nation. A fitting monument for those who have fallen. And a giant
middle finger in the faces of those evil monsters.
We will not be broken, and we will never be defeated. Those creatures may have brought down the symbol of American power and freedom. But it is a symbol only, and the actuality remains. And they will be shocked and dismayed beyond words, when they see the phoenix rise again. May the universe keep and love you all, and god bless our home.
Best wishes,
Quentin
Do not take this statement in any way as a diminishment of the tragedy of what happened... But I take it as a positive sign, that for various reasons, I actually feel rather great today. I am still saddened by the memory of it all - but life has gone on. I am stronger, and better off, then I have perhaps ever been in my entire life thus far. If that is not a sign of triumph through adversity, I don't know what is.
To say that there are still many problems in the world, is a gross understatement. And in fact, on the down side of things, I am particularly nauseated by Bush & Co's (tm) cynical twisting of the whole ordeal into a political tool to fuel their completely non-related and Orwellian agendas.
I would like to share something that I wrote back then, only one day after the attack. I wish that I could say that all of the positive hope and solidarity I was, even then, inspired with, has remained intact. Sadly, much of that has been dashed to pieces by that above treasonous usurper. Yet, a kernel of it does still remain, particularly for my city, and for we as a people at least. It is my hope that we may yet find our way out of this darkness, and again strive to be benevolent citizens of the world.
As for me, I'm trying to do my part, every day of my life. I think and hope, I'm doing pretty alright.
[9/12/01]
Well, I've had another day now to come to grips with this thing... On the one hand, I spent much of the day crying yesterday... And on the other, I still almost can't believe that it actually happened. I was woken up at 10 a.m. yesterday by my clock radio. I was still mostly asleep, and I heard some guy saying something about an airplane crashing into the world trade center. I thought this must just be some kind of tv show or movie they were hyping. I kept waiting for the punch line, or the network identification, or whatever, and it never came. It was like it was some kind of War of the Worlds practical joke or something.
Then I turned on the tv... ...and saw this apocalypse. I could not believe what I was seeing. I pulled open my blinds to look out the window. Nothing. My apartment is on 86 street, and faces towards the south of Manhattan. I can see the Chrysler building, but my view of the trade center is obscured by other buildings. And it was an absolutely clear, beautiful, warm day.
I turned back to the tv. The towers are burning. It is real. Then... I saw that horrible view of the blue airplane flying into the second tower, almost as if in slow motion... I don't have the words... I don't know how much time passed. I couldn't see one of the towers through all the smoke. Nobody knew what had happened yet. That it had in fact collapsed. Then I heard one of the commentators saying that he thought the tower was gone. I thought, no, it couldn't be possible. Then they all started confirming it. Yes, the tower had collapsed. Horror does not even begin to describe it. I looked at the second
tower, it's top covered in smoke and flames. But I thought, no, it will be okay. It is terrible, but it doesn't look much worse than the bombing in '93. It will survive. At least these unspeakable motherfuckers could not destroy it all.
And just as I thought this... the top crumbled... the antenna sinking straight down into smoke... the sheer weight of it all bringing the rest down. Again in slow motion. It is so big... it took so long... I started screaming.
I am not a religious person. But I thank god that none of my friends or
family were taken by this atrocity. But there were so many people... It will be a miracle if I escape this totally unscathed. My deepest sorrow and sympathy goes out to anyone who may have lost someone.
I picked up the phone. I could not get through to anyone. Finally, my mother in New Jersey was able to get through to me somehow. Thank god at least she would be able to let people know that I was alright. I had just recently landed a job just a couple of blocks away from there, only to have it canceled just before I was to start work, due to a hiring
freeze. I have been pissed off for weeks about this. Now, it may have saved my life.
I could not bear to stay in my apartment by myself, so I determined to work my way north to a friend of mine at Columbia university. As I was on the street, I had so many thoughts... Who do I know that might be down there... I went through a whole checklist of my friends and acquaintances. Where did they work? Where were they supposed to be today? How many, who I might have been laughing and having a good time with only days before, would I now be burying? If their bodies were ever even found... And I'd broken up with my boyfriend of three years, only a couple months before. I wasn't sure where he was now. I
thought, he could be down there right now, for some reason, and he wouldn't be if I hadn't broken up, and I will have killed him. I'd heard about the pentagon by this time, and the other missing planes. And for all I knew, this was just the beginning. How do I know there's not some guy with a fucking suitcase nuke running around right now, waiting to blow up the whole island any second? I'm going to die today, right now on this fucking street, all alone.
I eventually made it up to Columbia. We decided to go out to this local bar and grill, and watch things with everyone else. The place was jam packed, people yelling, crying, disbelief. Outside was this mass exodus of cars going north, trying to flee the city. We saw big trailer trucks filled with kids through the open side doors, presumably ferrying them away from the schools.
On the tv, they started showing clips of Palestinian kids waving flags, and dancing in the streets. I was filled with such rage. I wanted blood, and I wanted it now. And I was horrified at myself for thinking that. I thought, no no no, you can't do this, you're not being rational, this kind of thinking will spiral out of control, and if everyone does this, there will be rioting and murder, and nuclear war. But may god forgive me, I didn't care...
***
Things are calmer today. The city is kind of eerily quiet. But, the cabs and busses are running. I have power and water and air conditioning. Businesses are open, and you can go down to the corner deli and get a pastrami on rye. Everyone is somber and sorrowful; you
can see it in their eyes. But, everyone is calm... and there is a bond. You can't quite describe it, but you can feel it. Everyone seems to act more kindly, and a little bit protective of everyone else. Black, white, asian, young, old, gay, straight, whatever. All of that is erased today. We are New Yorkers. And we are Americans. Complete strangers say hello on the street, and chat with each other across tables at the cafes, offer of their food/water/cigarettes, help carry things, help with kids. The lines to volunteer at the hospitals run around the blocks. Everyone has a knowing look and a kind word for
everyone else...
I walked out to Carl Schutz Park today, over by the East River, next to Gracie Mansion. Many people had the same idea, and again it was a sunny, beautiful, blue-sky day. Over at the dog run, all the little dogs were running around and playing with each other, little kids running around with them, and all the adults, again complete strangers, laughing and smiling at their antics.
We are a strong people, and we will rebuild. The tragedy is not over, and there will be many more tears to come, but we will survive, and we will triumph. I have never before experienced such a feeling of community and common bond. I am only a recent transplant here of a few years, and I used to laugh at such cliches. But today I can say that I
am truly proud to be a New Yorker, in this, the greatest city in the world.
Even as early as yesterday, I had started to wonder what they would put in the towers' place. Would they leave it empty, as a sort of Hiroshima monument? For a while, I thought they should. But today, I think differently. And from what I've been seeing, many many people think the same. After the rubble has been cleared away, the dead mourned and buried, the wounds cleaned... We will build the biggest fuck-you tower the world has ever seen. Twice as big, three times as high! A beautiful shining beacon, a symbol of pride for our city, and our nation. A fitting monument for those who have fallen. And a giant
middle finger in the faces of those evil monsters.
We will not be broken, and we will never be defeated. Those creatures may have brought down the symbol of American power and freedom. But it is a symbol only, and the actuality remains. And they will be shocked and dismayed beyond words, when they see the phoenix rise again. May the universe keep and love you all, and god bless our home.
Best wishes,
Quentin
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-11 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-12 08:23 am (UTC)I was very proud of the city that day, and knew that, despite us usually ignoring one another, we truly are one, a people united, New Yorkers.
But I can't help with wonder, with some sadness, but still a pinch of gratefulness... would we ever know how to behave like this if we never had to go through an ordeal like 9-11?
no subject
Date: 2003-09-12 03:06 pm (UTC)The handling of the blackout very well could have had a lot to do with 911 solidarity.
Q.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-12 08:26 am (UTC)The we bought comics and then we walked across the Brooklyn Bridge (scary as HELL you can see the water straight through the boards!) and we waited until nightfall to see the lights go on. It was cool. And we saw Tibetan monks too, and they smiled at us! YAY!
no subject
Date: 2003-09-12 11:37 pm (UTC)I remember what I thought and felt on Sepember 11th, 2003. I remember it being a long day. I also remember feeling terribly, terribly disconnected from the events. At the time, I was still in High School in Texas. I first heard the news at the end of my first class of the day, at around 8:45 or so central time. I thought it was a sick joke people were spreading around. (When I first heard it, only one plane had hit. I couldn't think of any reason a commercial plane going down would actually hit the building. Too much time around my uncle and grandfather, who fly commercial airliners made me sure that any pilot would've done his or her damnedest to avoid hitting anything so famous, even if the entire plane simply shut down. Too much naivity kept me from thinking of a hijacking.) I spent that morning trying to get news, dealing with the network being swamped, and indeeed, most American news portals being congested to the point of unberable slowness. So I sat, translating what I could understand of the news from French news sources. But it never felt like it was actually happening, nor did I feel like I was involved. I was too far away. The only person in the area I knew at the time worked in a factory in New Jersey.
At some point, I remember feeling really cynical about the whole thing. I remember discussing with someone what the events meant. I remember us both agreeing that it meant a lot of scary moves by Mr. Bush. I guess that's the difference of distance. Even when I visited the city a few months later, the lack of the towers just seemed surreal; it never really registered emotionally.
It's funny. The first time I've ever had thoughts or feelings about the events of two years ago happened yesterday. I guess it's just different to actually live here and to realize that the names you're hearing read are faces you could've run into getting a coffee and a bagel in the morning.