One Starry Night...
Sep. 7th, 2005 01:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quentincoyotePart 2
Eventually... I wander back to the front of the lodge, and am just standing there, looking out at the water for a long while. Some time later, I hear something going on behind me. I turn around, and there is a whole group up there, comming down the steps. He is there. He looks okay, he looks to be in good spirits. He sees me, and calls out to me, "Oh hey, how're you doin'?" I'm about to both laugh and cry at the same time, and I just am barely able to squeek out, "...I don't know". He see's my face, and his fills with concern, and he comes down and gives me a big hug. Potoroo comes down, squeezes my shoulder, and says, "Don't leave him alone."
I say, "I won't." I would not. ...Never. We hold each other for a long time.
Finally, we break, and just stand out there, talking to each other. He said that he sort of remembered what happened, but not really. I give a brief recounting, ending with the "my faith" thing. He discusses his inner conflict. We talk for probably another two hours, it seems. I tell him a lot about my own life, my 'relationship with god', such as it is, for lack of a better word, and how I have come to terms with that and other things in life.
Finally, we do both break for the night, and go to bed. I'm still all stunned and shook up by everything that has happened, but I do basically feel a lot better about everything. Before I quite go to bed... I think this is when it was, anyway... I at some point encounter Miami, and, as I just need someone to talk to, I tell him everything that happened. Another long while of conversation, and good advice. I do not know if he will ever read this, but I cannot ever thank him enough for being there for me.
***
The next morning... it is kind of hard to remember and describe my feelings of the time. Like I said, I felt... kind of okay, I guess, but I think that I also must've had a forlorn undertone going on...
I go over to the lodge to have breakfast. He is there. I am overjoyed to see him, but at the same time, I am sad... so very, very sad. I suck it up. I want to put up a good face for him. I just want him to be okay. We meet at the top of the steps, and we hug. We say a few things, I think, but I don't really remember. We don't have much time, because suddenly a bunch of other people show up. And of course, they're all like, hey [ ], how's it goin? You alright, man? Ya scared us for a little while there. Everyone knows by this time that [ ] had some kind of panic attack, and he's okay now, but that's all they really know about it. So, they're all there to reassure him, pat him on the back, make sure he's okay, you know, the way these kinds of things go. He's a little sheepish about it, embarrased of the attention maybe. But, he has his own good face up, and he laughs it off, as do I along with them. I don't say anything. I just want the subject to be dropped while they're all there, before I lose it and start crying again, or else for them to just go away.
Then this one guy comes up, who's a cabin mate of His. My feelings have been neutral to grrr about him prior to this. I detest him now. He has been pawing at [ ] off an on, it seems, most of the weekend, making all of these lewd comments towards him. Now, he says, "Hey [ ], how's it goin buddy? So what happened, eh? Someone slipped a little roofie in your drink or something last night, eh? Somone trying to get in yer pants there, eh? HAW HAW HAW! *paws*"
His words are like claws on a chalkboard to me. And he won't shut up. He won't shut the fuck up. He will not close his mother fucking mouth, cause, ya know, he want's to get every last little bit of insinuation in that he can. "Someone tryin' ta git in yer PANTS, eh? Someone trying ta get IN YER PANTS! Someone slipped ya a roofie so they COULD GET IN YER PANTS - WHOO!"
He is vulgar, and crass. He taints with his touch, and trivializes that which is beautiful into just one more piece of back-alley filth. I am clawing at the insides of my own skull. I am going to grind my teeth into dust. I can not look at him touching Him. I am going to be ill. I want to scoop out his eyeballs with a spoon, and vomit in his shorts.
Finally, FINALLY it ends. And we turn to go in the doors, and sit down to breakfast. I can't meet His eyes, but I can kind of see, out of the corner of my sight that He wasn't so happy with all of that either. He seems to be smileing slight me, but sad-eyed. I want to turn to him and give him a smile back, but... I can't. Suddenly, I have to get out of there. My attempted half-smile falls, and my trajectory veers to the right. I make a bee line for the exit to that balcony. People call to me to sit with them. I ignore everything and everyone, just so I can get out that door before I lose it. The moment I make it out, I just start sobbing again.
***
I can feel His presense. Whether it's cause I want to, or I just do, I don't know. But, sure enough, there he comes out, from the front of the lodge, around the corner, to below the balcony. I've composed myself, sort of, I think, the moment I felt him comming around the corner. He smiles up sadly at me. I smile back. We said... something to each other, I don't remember what. Something to the effect that he had to go get something from out of his cabin. Maybe he just went to be alone for a little while, I don't know.
I go down the stairs, and wait for him. Eventually, I see that he is comming back down the path. And we sort of... just... go to each other. We meet. And we just... hold on to each other, for a very long time. I press my cheek into his neck, nuzzling his head with mine. We do not speak. Finally, I do not want to let go, but I do want to talk to him, face to face. I go to pull back, ever so slightly, so that I may do so... but he holds on to me - he doesn't want to let go. Neither do I. I collapse back into him, and hold him to me tighter.
Finally, I ease back, so that we may talk. The funny thing is now... I don't remember exactly what it is that I said. I know... any number of things that I would have said.. Maybe he started first. I know that the next words I remember are, him saying... to the effect that, he has been hurt so many times, by people that he has cared for, that did not care back. And the people that have seen something in him have always been so much older than him. And the people his own age just invariably look at him, and see this or that thing that they do not like, and so he feels that must be unloveable, or ugly or something.
And I just... want to laugh at such a plainly absurd notion, plainly by the evidence before me, in my arms - and a notion I understand all too well myself, and to cry that such a rare, precious flower could ever be so mistreated by this world, and laugh again at the blind stupidity of anyone who has so foolishly turned up their nose at such a proffered gift, with which they quite evidently never could have been worthy to be graced, in the first place. I look into those deep, soulful, searching eyes, and with all the sincerety I have ever had in my beeing, I tell him, "Then, they are stupid."
He is a lot like me, in many ways. As he is launching into more of an explanation, I realize that he touching on much same point I want to bring up. Which is that, he is, in many ways, far ahead of his own time. He has reached a maturity, and depth of soul, that most people do not reach until much later. Eventually, as the years pass, some may start to catch up. (of course, actually, some never do really, and that is a whole 'nother sad state of affiars.) But, particularly then, while that is a blessing in many ways, it is also a very difficult and lonely thing. Sometimes there is nothing for it, but time. But, eventually, it will get better. That is all I can promise.
***
We hold each other again for awhile. Everything now, finally, seems much better. We enjoy our last day or so of camp.
On the bus ride back to Toronto, we sit next to each other again, talking and listening to music. He tells me some about a girl he cared for that had left him. We stop the bus to have lunch, right as this story is finishing up. I ask him to wait for a moment, as he is getting up, and I lean in and kiss him.
He is getting back to more of his old bouncy self again. Near the end of the trip, we're back to joking around, and just being silly. For a little while, he falls asleep, with his head on my shoulder. I wish for this bus ride to never end.
Finally, we get back to the mall parking lot, and we're all unloading everything. I'm a bit anxious, cause I hate goodbyes, and I want them to go well, but I also want them to be over. More accurately, I want them to have been over, and performed well, have said the right things, and not just have completely ruined everything by saying the wrong thing, saying too much, or not saying enough. All of that bullshit, you know. And really, of course, I wish that they didn't have to be done at all.
We're sitting next to each other, close to each other. I kinda feel that maybe he's feeling much the same things. The moment comes, and his ride is here. And.. I'm suddenly calm. I find I don't care about this or that formality. With my heart open, I turn to look into those eyes one last time, and I tell him that I am really going to miss him. He says he's going to really miss me too, and as we hug, he turns my head and gives me a kiss on the lips.
This is not Goodbye - this is Hello.
He steps back with his friends. I feel nothing but calm and warmth. We look back at each other one last time. I feel that neither of us want to go, but I also feel that we both believe it is okay.
I watch him walk away, all the way back to his car. I watch it, smiling, all the way out of the parking lot.
***
And then, I went to MFM, and some regular con type shit happened there, nothing of too much import, which I will probably recount, briefly, some time later.
***
Now I am back home. And, I'm not really sure where all of this leaves me. Transformed, in some ways, I think. No matter what happens from here, I have had a wake up call, or two. There's a lot of stuff going on right now, and some changes probably need to be made. I've a feeling not all of it will be easy, and the future could take me any number of places.
But, I do know one thing, for sure. Whatever the circumstances may be... I will see him again, someday.
Q.
Eventually... I wander back to the front of the lodge, and am just standing there, looking out at the water for a long while. Some time later, I hear something going on behind me. I turn around, and there is a whole group up there, comming down the steps. He is there. He looks okay, he looks to be in good spirits. He sees me, and calls out to me, "Oh hey, how're you doin'?" I'm about to both laugh and cry at the same time, and I just am barely able to squeek out, "...I don't know". He see's my face, and his fills with concern, and he comes down and gives me a big hug. Potoroo comes down, squeezes my shoulder, and says, "Don't leave him alone."
I say, "I won't." I would not. ...Never. We hold each other for a long time.
Finally, we break, and just stand out there, talking to each other. He said that he sort of remembered what happened, but not really. I give a brief recounting, ending with the "my faith" thing. He discusses his inner conflict. We talk for probably another two hours, it seems. I tell him a lot about my own life, my 'relationship with god', such as it is, for lack of a better word, and how I have come to terms with that and other things in life.
Finally, we do both break for the night, and go to bed. I'm still all stunned and shook up by everything that has happened, but I do basically feel a lot better about everything. Before I quite go to bed... I think this is when it was, anyway... I at some point encounter Miami, and, as I just need someone to talk to, I tell him everything that happened. Another long while of conversation, and good advice. I do not know if he will ever read this, but I cannot ever thank him enough for being there for me.
***
The next morning... it is kind of hard to remember and describe my feelings of the time. Like I said, I felt... kind of okay, I guess, but I think that I also must've had a forlorn undertone going on...
I go over to the lodge to have breakfast. He is there. I am overjoyed to see him, but at the same time, I am sad... so very, very sad. I suck it up. I want to put up a good face for him. I just want him to be okay. We meet at the top of the steps, and we hug. We say a few things, I think, but I don't really remember. We don't have much time, because suddenly a bunch of other people show up. And of course, they're all like, hey [ ], how's it goin? You alright, man? Ya scared us for a little while there. Everyone knows by this time that [ ] had some kind of panic attack, and he's okay now, but that's all they really know about it. So, they're all there to reassure him, pat him on the back, make sure he's okay, you know, the way these kinds of things go. He's a little sheepish about it, embarrased of the attention maybe. But, he has his own good face up, and he laughs it off, as do I along with them. I don't say anything. I just want the subject to be dropped while they're all there, before I lose it and start crying again, or else for them to just go away.
Then this one guy comes up, who's a cabin mate of His. My feelings have been neutral to grrr about him prior to this. I detest him now. He has been pawing at [ ] off an on, it seems, most of the weekend, making all of these lewd comments towards him. Now, he says, "Hey [ ], how's it goin buddy? So what happened, eh? Someone slipped a little roofie in your drink or something last night, eh? Somone trying to get in yer pants there, eh? HAW HAW HAW! *paws*"
His words are like claws on a chalkboard to me. And he won't shut up. He won't shut the fuck up. He will not close his mother fucking mouth, cause, ya know, he want's to get every last little bit of insinuation in that he can. "Someone tryin' ta git in yer PANTS, eh? Someone trying ta get IN YER PANTS! Someone slipped ya a roofie so they COULD GET IN YER PANTS - WHOO!"
He is vulgar, and crass. He taints with his touch, and trivializes that which is beautiful into just one more piece of back-alley filth. I am clawing at the insides of my own skull. I am going to grind my teeth into dust. I can not look at him touching Him. I am going to be ill. I want to scoop out his eyeballs with a spoon, and vomit in his shorts.
Finally, FINALLY it ends. And we turn to go in the doors, and sit down to breakfast. I can't meet His eyes, but I can kind of see, out of the corner of my sight that He wasn't so happy with all of that either. He seems to be smileing slight me, but sad-eyed. I want to turn to him and give him a smile back, but... I can't. Suddenly, I have to get out of there. My attempted half-smile falls, and my trajectory veers to the right. I make a bee line for the exit to that balcony. People call to me to sit with them. I ignore everything and everyone, just so I can get out that door before I lose it. The moment I make it out, I just start sobbing again.
***
I can feel His presense. Whether it's cause I want to, or I just do, I don't know. But, sure enough, there he comes out, from the front of the lodge, around the corner, to below the balcony. I've composed myself, sort of, I think, the moment I felt him comming around the corner. He smiles up sadly at me. I smile back. We said... something to each other, I don't remember what. Something to the effect that he had to go get something from out of his cabin. Maybe he just went to be alone for a little while, I don't know.
I go down the stairs, and wait for him. Eventually, I see that he is comming back down the path. And we sort of... just... go to each other. We meet. And we just... hold on to each other, for a very long time. I press my cheek into his neck, nuzzling his head with mine. We do not speak. Finally, I do not want to let go, but I do want to talk to him, face to face. I go to pull back, ever so slightly, so that I may do so... but he holds on to me - he doesn't want to let go. Neither do I. I collapse back into him, and hold him to me tighter.
Finally, I ease back, so that we may talk. The funny thing is now... I don't remember exactly what it is that I said. I know... any number of things that I would have said.. Maybe he started first. I know that the next words I remember are, him saying... to the effect that, he has been hurt so many times, by people that he has cared for, that did not care back. And the people that have seen something in him have always been so much older than him. And the people his own age just invariably look at him, and see this or that thing that they do not like, and so he feels that must be unloveable, or ugly or something.
And I just... want to laugh at such a plainly absurd notion, plainly by the evidence before me, in my arms - and a notion I understand all too well myself, and to cry that such a rare, precious flower could ever be so mistreated by this world, and laugh again at the blind stupidity of anyone who has so foolishly turned up their nose at such a proffered gift, with which they quite evidently never could have been worthy to be graced, in the first place. I look into those deep, soulful, searching eyes, and with all the sincerety I have ever had in my beeing, I tell him, "Then, they are stupid."
He is a lot like me, in many ways. As he is launching into more of an explanation, I realize that he touching on much same point I want to bring up. Which is that, he is, in many ways, far ahead of his own time. He has reached a maturity, and depth of soul, that most people do not reach until much later. Eventually, as the years pass, some may start to catch up. (of course, actually, some never do really, and that is a whole 'nother sad state of affiars.) But, particularly then, while that is a blessing in many ways, it is also a very difficult and lonely thing. Sometimes there is nothing for it, but time. But, eventually, it will get better. That is all I can promise.
***
We hold each other again for awhile. Everything now, finally, seems much better. We enjoy our last day or so of camp.
On the bus ride back to Toronto, we sit next to each other again, talking and listening to music. He tells me some about a girl he cared for that had left him. We stop the bus to have lunch, right as this story is finishing up. I ask him to wait for a moment, as he is getting up, and I lean in and kiss him.
He is getting back to more of his old bouncy self again. Near the end of the trip, we're back to joking around, and just being silly. For a little while, he falls asleep, with his head on my shoulder. I wish for this bus ride to never end.
Finally, we get back to the mall parking lot, and we're all unloading everything. I'm a bit anxious, cause I hate goodbyes, and I want them to go well, but I also want them to be over. More accurately, I want them to have been over, and performed well, have said the right things, and not just have completely ruined everything by saying the wrong thing, saying too much, or not saying enough. All of that bullshit, you know. And really, of course, I wish that they didn't have to be done at all.
We're sitting next to each other, close to each other. I kinda feel that maybe he's feeling much the same things. The moment comes, and his ride is here. And.. I'm suddenly calm. I find I don't care about this or that formality. With my heart open, I turn to look into those eyes one last time, and I tell him that I am really going to miss him. He says he's going to really miss me too, and as we hug, he turns my head and gives me a kiss on the lips.
This is not Goodbye - this is Hello.
He steps back with his friends. I feel nothing but calm and warmth. We look back at each other one last time. I feel that neither of us want to go, but I also feel that we both believe it is okay.
I watch him walk away, all the way back to his car. I watch it, smiling, all the way out of the parking lot.
***
And then, I went to MFM, and some regular con type shit happened there, nothing of too much import, which I will probably recount, briefly, some time later.
***
Now I am back home. And, I'm not really sure where all of this leaves me. Transformed, in some ways, I think. No matter what happens from here, I have had a wake up call, or two. There's a lot of stuff going on right now, and some changes probably need to be made. I've a feeling not all of it will be easy, and the future could take me any number of places.
But, I do know one thing, for sure. Whatever the circumstances may be... I will see him again, someday.
Q.
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no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 08:38 am (UTC)Thank you, Mr. Q.
You may dress like a pimp, but you are a consummate gentleman.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 10:17 am (UTC)**hugs ya** Beauty rocks, ya know?
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:27 pm (UTC)And yes, it does. *hugs you back*
no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 11:28 am (UTC)Reading that kinda makes me want to look for a mate again, but I it wouldn't be fair to do so until I move to either Canada or America.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 01:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:32 pm (UTC)Funny thing is, as with all trips, I went through my whole mental "time traveling (http://www.livejournal.com/users/quentincoyote/43994.html)" thing with this one as well.
For the firt time in a very long time, however, while it still feels like I just left, the presense of this one is still very palpable, and there is a definite difference in my before and after feelings.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 02:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:33 pm (UTC)"I want to scoop out his eyeballs with a spoon"
Date: 2005-09-07 03:08 pm (UTC);D
no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 03:25 pm (UTC)*gives ya a cookie*
*runs away!*
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 03:41 pm (UTC)I needed to understand this.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:34 pm (UTC)Thank you, Hunter. It was good meeting you.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 04:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 04:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 04:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-07 05:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 01:22 am (UTC)This desire to refind a constructive emotional state has likely helped me make the decision to leave Toronto.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 01:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 04:21 am (UTC)Ah, unrequited love. Pesky stuff.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 09:24 pm (UTC)Nah... that was just to be able to tell my story, and still give him a modicum of privacy, if possible.
Are you alright? Hope things are going well. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 05:36 am (UTC)Wherever your path may take you from here, I wish you luck with it and I sincerely hope that this is just the introduction.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 07:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 08:21 pm (UTC)*hugs tight*
In the future, if you need someone to talk to, I'm always willing to lend an ear, and a shoulder if need be.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 09:50 pm (UTC)*chuckles* You should see me on a good day then I guess, eh? ;)
Nah, the whole week was a truly wonderful experience. It is a rare thing, to feel so alive. We should cherish these things. I certainly will.
Thank you though, truly, and see you again soon. *hugs*
Wow
Date: 2005-09-08 10:21 pm (UTC)Re: Wow
Date: 2005-09-09 02:40 am (UTC)Bright Eyes...
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 05:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 06:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:Speechless....Part 2
Date: 2005-09-10 01:19 am (UTC)As with life's many experiences, often confusion and clouded judgement follow tough choices or unexpected reactions. In this case, following after the seizure/panic attack, you were unsure about the status of your relationship with him, and, as any rational human being would be, you were hesitant to open the lines of communication once again.
But, your feelings volumes about the way you perceived the situation, and these may have tampered with your recollection of the exact words spoken. Alas, that doesn't matter, for the meaning was there, whether conveyed through modern english or not. The silent bond spoke more than the most accomplished vocabulist on the earth ever could.
Again, this is a truly stunning piece. It fits perfectly with part 1, elaborating on things that words cannot do justice, trying to share a bit of emotional culture with the internet community. With all the filth and lies out there, it's good to see that the internet is being used for something else other than porn, scams, and rants.
I hope you have become a stronger person from this experience, as it seems it has been a tolling trial upon you. You sound like someone who will not remember the bad, but cherish and nurture the good within the memory, until it blossoms into an immaculate interaction between two human beings.
Upon reading the comments section while typing this, I see that "He" has contacted you. I'm sure you have plenty of mixed feelings about him right now, but if anything does happen, I wish the best for both of you.
I shall return to reading silently, revering this entry and the previous. You are one of the few people who have earned the right to call this "your" livejournal. You could have a very lucrative career in writing, as literature, like art, only gets better with age and distinction.
May you be successful in all your endeavours, and be genuine to your true being.
-A Friend in Toronto
PS If you are in the Toronto area in the future, perhaps we should get in touch. It is always nice to find someone who has a very high intrapersonal understanding of themselves, not to mention an excellent communicator. Intellectuals are few and far between, so it's important that you use your powers for good, not evil! Just thought I'd lighten the mood.
PPS Try reading this again while listening to Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day. It really fits the emotional undertones.
Re: Speechless....Part 2
Date: 2005-09-10 04:00 am (UTC)*blushes, chuckles* Well, thank you very much for your sentiments, friend. It is true, in fact, that I have been thinking these past few days that I am very much ready to take on a lot more endeavors of writing. An important correction of interpretation, though - I was not at all hesitant to reopen communication with him. Most of last week was me waiting to be able to do so, and, if anything, the writing of this story was a fervent wish to do just that. My feelings about him are anything but mixed. They are come to life again. And I thank him for that, too.
Thank you for your kind wishes, and if any one else is also eager to see what stories the future my bring, I certainly am.
Q.
Re: Speechless....Part 2
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2005-09-10 07:00 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Speechless....Part 2
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 02:22 pm (UTC)I wanted to respond by email, but you don't have one listed, and it would be unfair of me to dig it out of the Feral! registration system.
Firstly, I wanted to thank you for writing that all out. It is... beautiful. Beautifully written, too, but... the story itself, and how true and how personal, and how accurately I am able to envision every moment... I am truly touched. Every year something happens that makes up for all of the blood, sweat and tears that I put into making Feral! happen and... this is certainly one of those things. I am honoured to have even the tiniest fraction of a claim in having helped it to be. *hugs*
I have passed on to Miami the paragraph where you thank him for his ear... and a link to your LJ as well, I think he may wish to read the whole story.
Best of luck, to you and to []... separately and/or together, as it may turn out. Either way, there is no way to deny the powerful moment in time that it was... and how fortunate you are to be a part of it. I am jealous, I want nothing more than for something of that magnitude and significance to sweep me along with it, even if only for a very short while.
Take care,
B.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 01:25 am (UTC)Thank you
Date: 2005-09-13 07:34 pm (UTC)Again thank you
Re: Thank you
Date: 2005-09-14 01:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 01:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 09:31 pm (UTC)