One Starry Night...

Part 2

Eventually... I wander back to the front of the lodge, and am just standing there, looking out at the water for a long while. Some time later, I hear something going on behind me. I turn around, and there is a whole group up there, comming down the steps. He is there. He looks okay, he looks to be in good spirits. He sees me, and calls out to me, "Oh hey, how're you doin'?" I'm about to both laugh and cry at the same time, and I just am barely able to squeek out, "...I don't know". He see's my face, and his fills with concern, and he comes down and gives me a big hug. Potoroo comes down, squeezes my shoulder, and says, "Don't leave him alone."

I say, "I won't." I would not. ...Never. We hold each other for a long time.

Finally, we break, and just stand out there, talking to each other. He said that he sort of remembered what happened, but not really. I give a brief recounting, ending with the "my faith" thing. He discusses his inner conflict. We talk for probably another two hours, it seems. I tell him a lot about my own life, my 'relationship with god', such as it is, for lack of a better word, and how I have come to terms with that and other things in life.

Finally, we do both break for the night, and go to bed. I'm still all stunned and shook up by everything that has happened, but I do basically feel a lot better about everything. Before I quite go to bed... I think this is when it was, anyway... I at some point encounter Miami, and, as I just need someone to talk to, I tell him everything that happened. Another long while of conversation, and good advice. I do not know if he will ever read this, but I cannot ever thank him enough for being there for me.

***

The next morning... it is kind of hard to remember and describe my feelings of the time. Like I said, I felt... kind of okay, I guess, but I think that I also must've had a forlorn undertone going on...

I go over to the lodge to have breakfast. He is there. I am overjoyed to see him, but at the same time, I am sad... so very, very sad. I suck it up. I want to put up a good face for him. I just want him to be okay. We meet at the top of the steps, and we hug. We say a few things, I think, but I don't really remember. We don't have much time, because suddenly a bunch of other people show up. And of course, they're all like, hey [ ], how's it goin? You alright, man? Ya scared us for a little while there. Everyone knows by this time that [ ] had some kind of panic attack, and he's okay now, but that's all they really know about it. So, they're all there to reassure him, pat him on the back, make sure he's okay, you know, the way these kinds of things go. He's a little sheepish about it, embarrased of the attention maybe. But, he has his own good face up, and he laughs it off, as do I along with them. I don't say anything. I just want the subject to be dropped while they're all there, before I lose it and start crying again, or else for them to just go away.

Then this one guy comes up, who's a cabin mate of His. My feelings have been neutral to grrr about him prior to this. I detest him now. He has been pawing at [ ] off an on, it seems, most of the weekend, making all of these lewd comments towards him. Now, he says, "Hey [ ], how's it goin buddy? So what happened, eh? Someone slipped a little roofie in your drink or something last night, eh? Somone trying to get in yer pants there, eh? HAW HAW HAW! *paws*"

His words are like claws on a chalkboard to me. And he won't shut up. He won't shut the fuck up. He will not close his mother fucking mouth, cause, ya know, he want's to get every last little bit of insinuation in that he can. "Someone tryin' ta git in yer PANTS, eh? Someone trying ta get IN YER PANTS! Someone slipped ya a roofie so they COULD GET IN YER PANTS - WHOO!"

He is vulgar, and crass. He taints with his touch, and trivializes that which is beautiful into just one more piece of back-alley filth. I am clawing at the insides of my own skull. I am going to grind my teeth into dust. I can not look at him touching Him. I am going to be ill. I want to scoop out his eyeballs with a spoon, and vomit in his shorts.

Finally, FINALLY it ends. And we turn to go in the doors, and sit down to breakfast. I can't meet His eyes, but I can kind of see, out of the corner of my sight that He wasn't so happy with all of that either. He seems to be smileing slight me, but sad-eyed. I want to turn to him and give him a smile back, but... I can't. Suddenly, I have to get out of there. My attempted half-smile falls, and my trajectory veers to the right. I make a bee line for the exit to that balcony. People call to me to sit with them. I ignore everything and everyone, just so I can get out that door before I lose it. The moment I make it out, I just start sobbing again.

***

I can feel His presense. Whether it's cause I want to, or I just do, I don't know. But, sure enough, there he comes out, from the front of the lodge, around the corner, to below the balcony. I've composed myself, sort of, I think, the moment I felt him comming around the corner. He smiles up sadly at me. I smile back. We said... something to each other, I don't remember what. Something to the effect that he had to go get something from out of his cabin. Maybe he just went to be alone for a little while, I don't know.

I go down the stairs, and wait for him. Eventually, I see that he is comming back down the path. And we sort of... just... go to each other. We meet. And we just... hold on to each other, for a very long time. I press my cheek into his neck, nuzzling his head with mine. We do not speak. Finally, I do not want to let go, but I do want to talk to him, face to face. I go to pull back, ever so slightly, so that I may do so... but he holds on to me - he doesn't want to let go. Neither do I. I collapse back into him, and hold him to me tighter.

Finally, I ease back, so that we may talk. The funny thing is now... I don't remember exactly what it is that I said. I know... any number of things that I would have said.. Maybe he started first. I know that the next words I remember are, him saying... to the effect that, he has been hurt so many times, by people that he has cared for, that did not care back. And the people that have seen something in him have always been so much older than him. And the people his own age just invariably look at him, and see this or that thing that they do not like, and so he feels that must be unloveable, or ugly or something.

And I just... want to laugh at such a plainly absurd notion, plainly by the evidence before me, in my arms - and a notion I understand all too well myself, and to cry that such a rare, precious flower could ever be so mistreated by this world, and laugh again at the blind stupidity of anyone who has so foolishly turned up their nose at such a proffered gift, with which they quite evidently never could have been worthy to be graced, in the first place. I look into those deep, soulful, searching eyes, and with all the sincerety I have ever had in my beeing, I tell him, "Then, they are stupid."

He is a lot like me, in many ways. As he is launching into more of an explanation, I realize that he touching on much same point I want to bring up. Which is that, he is, in many ways, far ahead of his own time. He has reached a maturity, and depth of soul, that most people do not reach until much later. Eventually, as the years pass, some may start to catch up. (of course, actually, some never do really, and that is a whole 'nother sad state of affiars.) But, particularly then, while that is a blessing in many ways, it is also a very difficult and lonely thing. Sometimes there is nothing for it, but time. But, eventually, it will get better. That is all I can promise.

***

We hold each other again for awhile. Everything now, finally, seems much better. We enjoy our last day or so of camp.

On the bus ride back to Toronto, we sit next to each other again, talking and listening to music. He tells me some about a girl he cared for that had left him. We stop the bus to have lunch, right as this story is finishing up. I ask him to wait for a moment, as he is getting up, and I lean in and kiss him.

He is getting back to more of his old bouncy self again. Near the end of the trip, we're back to joking around, and just being silly. For a little while, he falls asleep, with his head on my shoulder. I wish for this bus ride to never end.

Finally, we get back to the mall parking lot, and we're all unloading everything. I'm a bit anxious, cause I hate goodbyes, and I want them to go well, but I also want them to be over. More accurately, I want them to have been over, and performed well, have said the right things, and not just have completely ruined everything by saying the wrong thing, saying too much, or not saying enough. All of that bullshit, you know. And really, of course, I wish that they didn't have to be done at all.

We're sitting next to each other, close to each other. I kinda feel that maybe he's feeling much the same things. The moment comes, and his ride is here. And.. I'm suddenly calm. I find I don't care about this or that formality. With my heart open, I turn to look into those eyes one last time, and I tell him that I am really going to miss him. He says he's going to really miss me too, and as we hug, he turns my head and gives me a kiss on the lips.

This is not Goodbye - this is Hello.

He steps back with his friends. I feel nothing but calm and warmth. We look back at each other one last time. I feel that neither of us want to go, but I also feel that we both believe it is okay.

I watch him walk away, all the way back to his car. I watch it, smiling, all the way out of the parking lot.

***

And then, I went to MFM, and some regular con type shit happened there, nothing of too much import, which I will probably recount, briefly, some time later.

***

Now I am back home. And, I'm not really sure where all of this leaves me. Transformed, in some ways, I think. No matter what happens from here, I have had a wake up call, or two. There's a lot of stuff going on right now, and some changes probably need to be made. I've a feeling not all of it will be easy, and the future could take me any number of places.

But, I do know one thing, for sure. Whatever the circumstances may be... I will see him again, someday.

Q.