My space-fursuit
Nov. 4th, 2010 02:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quentincoyoteSo, I learned something very interesting about my fursuit this weekened. I learned that, from in here... I can make you see anything that I want.
No... That's not right. Lets back up a little bit here, start from the beginning...
***
...The lights are flashing. Base is pumping. Shadows and movement, all around me everywhere. Wall of sound. Forms dancing. Darkness and sound and colored lights envelops like a blanket, covering all. This is a good place. Back to the source. Back to where I first became a coyote. A place where I can listen and observe. A place where I can just... be.
Much of my vision is taken up by the inside of my suit, with windows through the eyes and mouth. Much like, I imagine, the cockpit of a mechsuit, that I'm driving. Interestingly enough, I think of my own body this way, often enough, containing within it the energy that is Me. Although there, the interface is better. Too good, sometimes. For there, I can never just let go of the controls and "wipe my brow", as it were, without my "suit" giving that away. The more primitive technology of my coyote suit, however, is, at the moment, much more liberating that way. Coyote surrounds me, protects me. I can dance in here, and... just let go. Just let it all go. Relax. Release. Safe.
Let it all go, and... Cry. Cry like I've never cried before. Outside, I'm just a coyote. And inside, I'm just a Coyote, too. I don't have to be anything else, for anyone else right now. No more struggling to keep up appearances. Coyote will take care of that for me. I'm dancing. The lights are flashing, the music is pumping. And tears are streaming in rivers down my face. Filling my mouth, filling my nose. And nobody has to see, and nobody has to know. I don't have to deal with omg what's wrong, are you ok, blah blah blah etc. I can just watch from in here, and be, and let it all go. I am in that Place again. Everything is becoming everything, and all time is as one. And I Remember, and I am There, and he is with me, and we are Together, as we always ever were, as somehow, we always will ever be. But, here, as I said... Everything is Everything, including realspace as well, and so he is still not with me, at the same time. How did we come to this? How did we fall so far away from where we were? Now, however... for these moments tonight, I am back there where we were, again. And, for being so suddenly thrust back through to that, the realization of the difference is like a supernova in my mind.
This is not right.
This should not be.
*Where are you?*
*I love you*
*I need you*
*You would understand all of this, if you were here with me. Only you could. All I would have to do, is look at you, and connection and truth would pour forth from your eyes*
*This dialog has only ever been between you and I, as all of our myriad forms dance around us, from the Big Bang, unto the end of the universe, and all of the time in-between.*
***
He used to keep a little glass vial on my desk. That he wanted to fill with coyote tears, he used to say. That he would rush to reach for, whenever he would tickle me so hard, that my laughter would have my whole body shaking, and they would start to stream down from my beet red face. Or, when I was sad or upset about something... and he would use that to turn them right back into tears of laughter. He could always make me laugh... to outsiders, in the seemingly most counter-intuitive and inappropriate of ways. Why would you laugh at such things? But, we understood each other that well. Coyote tears... some kind of magic elixer. That always made me smile again, too.
On the Outside, Coyote(tm). On the Inside, Coyote. On the Outside, scandal, and outrage from some quarters, some actually making monetary bets for how short it would last, over a thirty-something, and his once-upon-a-time at the very beginning, *sixteen year old boyfriend, who likes to sleep in a dog cage sometimes, because... I dunno, why not? Why do you do half the things that you do? (*Legal in NJ. But see that? I have to take time out for disclaimers and distractions, and I'm just simply trying to tell a story here. Jeeze.) But on the inside... Everything.
***
But right now, I am dancing in my fursuit... and crying. Yet, perversely, this is ok... This is where I want to be right now, doing exactly what I want to be doing. Being exactly how I want to be. Free from scrutiny, right out in the open. Free to just... Be me. Whatever that is. And I'm feelin' this music, I'm really getting into it, letting it flow through through me, transmogrifying... phase shift... transforming light into heat. People are coming up to dance with me. *tear-soaked eyebrow raises* Really? Systems check: Hull integrity at... mmmm, 80-ish percent? Little overweight again this year. Nevermind all the current crying. But for now, Coyote is doing his job on the outside, and so on the inside as well. All I want to have to be for you right now is a coyote, and also for me.
And as I'm starting to think more about this, my thoughts are turning towards just the music, and just the dancing, and having a good time. The tears are abating. Everything is pretty, and interesting around me, and the music is in me. And suddenly, another particular suiter that I know catches my eye. Another one that, by all appearances... (not that all of my above dissertation on appearances is by any means lost on me...) but, by all appearances, seems to feel the music the same way I do. All he wants to be for anybody is a fox right now, and I am quite content to let him do that, and just enjoy watching him. I actually stop dancing, and go to sit down in the back of the room, so I can just do that. He is mesmerizing. He's got the energy, and the moves to back it up. He feels it. It's pretty awesome. And jesus fuck, why is there always some nondescript motherfucker getting in the way, blocking my view when I'm trying to watch such things?! I have to... move... my head... this way, that way.. gah, dammit! Cut it out, fucking hell! I get up, and move somewhere else, to try to get a more clear angle on my favorite suiter. Tsk, jeeze... again, what the hell! Why are you in my way again like you're fol-
...
...Oh.
Crap... wait. Yes, I do recognize you.. *sigh, holds eyes with paw* I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... You won't read this, but, you've come up and talked to me several times now. I've seen you around at this con before. You're a nice guy. You've said some very nice things, expressed admiration for me... possibly other things, even... But... I can't be that person for you right now. I can't be what you think you see. I can't be on this pedestal. I'm not strong enough. *I* need to be held again, and told that everything is gonna be all right. I'm barely able to be me enough, for me right now. I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry...
*Cocks ear* Wait a minute... what the hell was that? Something interesting just happened, I need to pay attention to this...
***
SO I WAS AT THIS ROOM PARTY!
There. Got your attention now? You like it when I tell stories like this. Dance, Coyote. Dance for us.
Yeah, so, I was at this room party. Yes, one of "those" parties. There's a pretty sweet picture on my phone of me pulling a Lynndie at it, which shall not go online. So, there's this naked guy on the bed, surrounded by people. And, this other guy has this like 8 inch dildo, perfectly shaped and colored like a giant dog dick, complete with knot at the base, which can be inflated via a squeeze pump attached to it. It's pretty awesome. And so, he's trying to use it on the naked guy on the bed, and that's kind of the center of attention of the room, at the moment, this guy trying to take the thing.
And, he's doing a pretty decent job of it, he's got it all the way up to the knot so far, and now that's the big climax, so to speak - is he gonna be able to get the whole dog? But, that knot's giving him a bit of trouble, even though it isn't even inflated yet. Now of course, *I* took the whole thing the previous night, no problem... but I mean, hey, I *am* a coyote. *nods, dusts paw knuckles on chest*
So, that's going on, and it just won't quite go all the way in, and the guy doing the doing is kind of distracted, and talking a whole lot to the room at large, and not, to my mind, paying quite enough attention to his task at hand. And, the naked guy being dog-done, is clearly inexperienced in such situations, and while he's been happy until now, is starting to look uncomfortable. No one else seems to be stepping up, so I decide I may need to intervene. I say to him several times, "The safe word is 'bannanas'. Do you understand?" But, it seems that he doesn't know what that means. Meanwhile, for my part, the fifth dimension is just beginning to call to me, and I'm starting to feel the Power. I've tried, many times, unsuccessfully, to explain the true nature of the Power to those who have not experienced it. But, suffice for now to say, it has a certain subtlety to it. It requires a balance point, nothing too overt, there has to be plausible deniablity to it, or else that would just give the whole game away, and that's against the rules. But, this is one such balance point. This will absolutely go whichever way I choose - triumphant completion, or, to the hospital with blood - if I do nothing more than simply think about it. I can feel it.
NO! No... I'm not playing this game right now. That'd be too cheap of a parlour trick. I have better things to be doing with the gift. I need to go be more Everywhere right now. Abort.
And so, I made the one guy just stop completely, with mouth words, and crisis, or extasy, was averted that day.
***
The lights are flashing, the music is pumping. I am dancing. I am crying. I am Everyone. I see all the connected islands. I feel everyone's hopes, and dreams, and despairs. But mostly, I feel my own.
*LOSS*
*GRIEF*
*LOVE*
*I need you*
*I love you*
*Where are you?*
But wait... what was... that? Something interesting is happening... I need to pay attention to this...
The music... Something went wrong... did it? Synthesis, harmony... broke down, and disolved into discordant noise... just for a second.
When I was a child, one of my favorite toys was this... electronic sound machine. "Sound FX", I think it was called. It had all these knobs and switches on it. Was really nothing more than a bunch of like... I dunno, resistors and capacitors and things attached to it, I guess. When a current passed through it, it would start out as blank noise. But, by tweaking these knobs and switches, you could introduce modulation... frequency... Cycles... Pattern. You could make them go faster or slower, rising or falling, interfere or complement. Until, you would wind up producing some of the most complex and varied things you could imagine hearing, all from these very little simple pieces.
The music had suddenly gone all like that... Broken down into the simple noise pieces... just like the Sound FX. And held there just a moment too long, so as to be jarring and discordant. Did the DJ mean to do that? I wasn't the only one that picked up on it either, as everyone else stopped dancing for a moment too, confused. But perhaps that was just a way to get our attention. For just as quickly as it had gone like that, the noise swept back again into synthesis and harmony. And back, and forth, never quite crossing that line again though. Back and forth, slowly at first, but building, rising, faster and faster... It is inside me, in the base, at the back of my primitive lizard brain. In Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson posits the ancient Summerians hacking the brain stem with such proto sounds, at the very beginning of language. This feels like that. These sounds are gutteral, they are *low*. They are down *HERE!* Stroking inside of me, rubbing, caressing that place, sweeping back and forth, gripping me so knowingly, with every little quiver and throb... Oh god... Jesus... Sway... Faster... Rise...
Rise...
Rise...
The crowd feels it too. That fox I like feels it. The room is connected...
Rise...
Rise... and
*JUMP!!!* UNNNNGH!!!
Release. I feel like I have just masturbated all over the dance floor, cum covering everything and everyone, and I haven't touched myself inappropriately even once. Fuck! I feel like I've fucked the DJ, and we've never had sex. Yet, why is this, what just happened here, why is this ok, and the room party story I told above is scandalous? It all feels the same to me, it all comes from the same place. Carpe Omni, to borrow a phrase that a friend of mine once gave for me.
I leave the dance floor refreshed and relieved. I am just simply a coyote. In here, I don't have to understand anything, I don't have to be anything else. I walk by certain people in the hall, and I don't have to try to figure out if what they're saying doesn't make sense because I'm just not getting it, or if it's just because they're retarded furries. I'm just a coyote right now, that's all I have time for, and in this suit, that's all I need to be.
It is bliss.
No... That's not right. Lets back up a little bit here, start from the beginning...
***
...The lights are flashing. Base is pumping. Shadows and movement, all around me everywhere. Wall of sound. Forms dancing. Darkness and sound and colored lights envelops like a blanket, covering all. This is a good place. Back to the source. Back to where I first became a coyote. A place where I can listen and observe. A place where I can just... be.
Much of my vision is taken up by the inside of my suit, with windows through the eyes and mouth. Much like, I imagine, the cockpit of a mechsuit, that I'm driving. Interestingly enough, I think of my own body this way, often enough, containing within it the energy that is Me. Although there, the interface is better. Too good, sometimes. For there, I can never just let go of the controls and "wipe my brow", as it were, without my "suit" giving that away. The more primitive technology of my coyote suit, however, is, at the moment, much more liberating that way. Coyote surrounds me, protects me. I can dance in here, and... just let go. Just let it all go. Relax. Release. Safe.
Let it all go, and... Cry. Cry like I've never cried before. Outside, I'm just a coyote. And inside, I'm just a Coyote, too. I don't have to be anything else, for anyone else right now. No more struggling to keep up appearances. Coyote will take care of that for me. I'm dancing. The lights are flashing, the music is pumping. And tears are streaming in rivers down my face. Filling my mouth, filling my nose. And nobody has to see, and nobody has to know. I don't have to deal with omg what's wrong, are you ok, blah blah blah etc. I can just watch from in here, and be, and let it all go. I am in that Place again. Everything is becoming everything, and all time is as one. And I Remember, and I am There, and he is with me, and we are Together, as we always ever were, as somehow, we always will ever be. But, here, as I said... Everything is Everything, including realspace as well, and so he is still not with me, at the same time. How did we come to this? How did we fall so far away from where we were? Now, however... for these moments tonight, I am back there where we were, again. And, for being so suddenly thrust back through to that, the realization of the difference is like a supernova in my mind.
This is not right.
This should not be.
*Where are you?*
*I love you*
*I need you*
*You would understand all of this, if you were here with me. Only you could. All I would have to do, is look at you, and connection and truth would pour forth from your eyes*
*This dialog has only ever been between you and I, as all of our myriad forms dance around us, from the Big Bang, unto the end of the universe, and all of the time in-between.*
***
He used to keep a little glass vial on my desk. That he wanted to fill with coyote tears, he used to say. That he would rush to reach for, whenever he would tickle me so hard, that my laughter would have my whole body shaking, and they would start to stream down from my beet red face. Or, when I was sad or upset about something... and he would use that to turn them right back into tears of laughter. He could always make me laugh... to outsiders, in the seemingly most counter-intuitive and inappropriate of ways. Why would you laugh at such things? But, we understood each other that well. Coyote tears... some kind of magic elixer. That always made me smile again, too.
On the Outside, Coyote(tm). On the Inside, Coyote. On the Outside, scandal, and outrage from some quarters, some actually making monetary bets for how short it would last, over a thirty-something, and his once-upon-a-time at the very beginning, *sixteen year old boyfriend, who likes to sleep in a dog cage sometimes, because... I dunno, why not? Why do you do half the things that you do? (*Legal in NJ. But see that? I have to take time out for disclaimers and distractions, and I'm just simply trying to tell a story here. Jeeze.) But on the inside... Everything.
***
But right now, I am dancing in my fursuit... and crying. Yet, perversely, this is ok... This is where I want to be right now, doing exactly what I want to be doing. Being exactly how I want to be. Free from scrutiny, right out in the open. Free to just... Be me. Whatever that is. And I'm feelin' this music, I'm really getting into it, letting it flow through through me, transmogrifying... phase shift... transforming light into heat. People are coming up to dance with me. *tear-soaked eyebrow raises* Really? Systems check: Hull integrity at... mmmm, 80-ish percent? Little overweight again this year. Nevermind all the current crying. But for now, Coyote is doing his job on the outside, and so on the inside as well. All I want to have to be for you right now is a coyote, and also for me.
And as I'm starting to think more about this, my thoughts are turning towards just the music, and just the dancing, and having a good time. The tears are abating. Everything is pretty, and interesting around me, and the music is in me. And suddenly, another particular suiter that I know catches my eye. Another one that, by all appearances... (not that all of my above dissertation on appearances is by any means lost on me...) but, by all appearances, seems to feel the music the same way I do. All he wants to be for anybody is a fox right now, and I am quite content to let him do that, and just enjoy watching him. I actually stop dancing, and go to sit down in the back of the room, so I can just do that. He is mesmerizing. He's got the energy, and the moves to back it up. He feels it. It's pretty awesome. And jesus fuck, why is there always some nondescript motherfucker getting in the way, blocking my view when I'm trying to watch such things?! I have to... move... my head... this way, that way.. gah, dammit! Cut it out, fucking hell! I get up, and move somewhere else, to try to get a more clear angle on my favorite suiter. Tsk, jeeze... again, what the hell! Why are you in my way again like you're fol-
...
...Oh.
Crap... wait. Yes, I do recognize you.. *sigh, holds eyes with paw* I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... You won't read this, but, you've come up and talked to me several times now. I've seen you around at this con before. You're a nice guy. You've said some very nice things, expressed admiration for me... possibly other things, even... But... I can't be that person for you right now. I can't be what you think you see. I can't be on this pedestal. I'm not strong enough. *I* need to be held again, and told that everything is gonna be all right. I'm barely able to be me enough, for me right now. I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry...
*Cocks ear* Wait a minute... what the hell was that? Something interesting just happened, I need to pay attention to this...
***
SO I WAS AT THIS ROOM PARTY!
There. Got your attention now? You like it when I tell stories like this. Dance, Coyote. Dance for us.
Yeah, so, I was at this room party. Yes, one of "those" parties. There's a pretty sweet picture on my phone of me pulling a Lynndie at it, which shall not go online. So, there's this naked guy on the bed, surrounded by people. And, this other guy has this like 8 inch dildo, perfectly shaped and colored like a giant dog dick, complete with knot at the base, which can be inflated via a squeeze pump attached to it. It's pretty awesome. And so, he's trying to use it on the naked guy on the bed, and that's kind of the center of attention of the room, at the moment, this guy trying to take the thing.
And, he's doing a pretty decent job of it, he's got it all the way up to the knot so far, and now that's the big climax, so to speak - is he gonna be able to get the whole dog? But, that knot's giving him a bit of trouble, even though it isn't even inflated yet. Now of course, *I* took the whole thing the previous night, no problem... but I mean, hey, I *am* a coyote. *nods, dusts paw knuckles on chest*
So, that's going on, and it just won't quite go all the way in, and the guy doing the doing is kind of distracted, and talking a whole lot to the room at large, and not, to my mind, paying quite enough attention to his task at hand. And, the naked guy being dog-done, is clearly inexperienced in such situations, and while he's been happy until now, is starting to look uncomfortable. No one else seems to be stepping up, so I decide I may need to intervene. I say to him several times, "The safe word is 'bannanas'. Do you understand?" But, it seems that he doesn't know what that means. Meanwhile, for my part, the fifth dimension is just beginning to call to me, and I'm starting to feel the Power. I've tried, many times, unsuccessfully, to explain the true nature of the Power to those who have not experienced it. But, suffice for now to say, it has a certain subtlety to it. It requires a balance point, nothing too overt, there has to be plausible deniablity to it, or else that would just give the whole game away, and that's against the rules. But, this is one such balance point. This will absolutely go whichever way I choose - triumphant completion, or, to the hospital with blood - if I do nothing more than simply think about it. I can feel it.
NO! No... I'm not playing this game right now. That'd be too cheap of a parlour trick. I have better things to be doing with the gift. I need to go be more Everywhere right now. Abort.
And so, I made the one guy just stop completely, with mouth words, and crisis, or extasy, was averted that day.
***
The lights are flashing, the music is pumping. I am dancing. I am crying. I am Everyone. I see all the connected islands. I feel everyone's hopes, and dreams, and despairs. But mostly, I feel my own.
*LOSS*
*GRIEF*
*LOVE*
*I need you*
*I love you*
*Where are you?*
But wait... what was... that? Something interesting is happening... I need to pay attention to this...
The music... Something went wrong... did it? Synthesis, harmony... broke down, and disolved into discordant noise... just for a second.
When I was a child, one of my favorite toys was this... electronic sound machine. "Sound FX", I think it was called. It had all these knobs and switches on it. Was really nothing more than a bunch of like... I dunno, resistors and capacitors and things attached to it, I guess. When a current passed through it, it would start out as blank noise. But, by tweaking these knobs and switches, you could introduce modulation... frequency... Cycles... Pattern. You could make them go faster or slower, rising or falling, interfere or complement. Until, you would wind up producing some of the most complex and varied things you could imagine hearing, all from these very little simple pieces.
The music had suddenly gone all like that... Broken down into the simple noise pieces... just like the Sound FX. And held there just a moment too long, so as to be jarring and discordant. Did the DJ mean to do that? I wasn't the only one that picked up on it either, as everyone else stopped dancing for a moment too, confused. But perhaps that was just a way to get our attention. For just as quickly as it had gone like that, the noise swept back again into synthesis and harmony. And back, and forth, never quite crossing that line again though. Back and forth, slowly at first, but building, rising, faster and faster... It is inside me, in the base, at the back of my primitive lizard brain. In Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson posits the ancient Summerians hacking the brain stem with such proto sounds, at the very beginning of language. This feels like that. These sounds are gutteral, they are *low*. They are down *HERE!* Stroking inside of me, rubbing, caressing that place, sweeping back and forth, gripping me so knowingly, with every little quiver and throb... Oh god... Jesus... Sway... Faster... Rise...
Rise...
Rise...
The crowd feels it too. That fox I like feels it. The room is connected...
Rise...
Rise... and
*JUMP!!!* UNNNNGH!!!
Release. I feel like I have just masturbated all over the dance floor, cum covering everything and everyone, and I haven't touched myself inappropriately even once. Fuck! I feel like I've fucked the DJ, and we've never had sex. Yet, why is this, what just happened here, why is this ok, and the room party story I told above is scandalous? It all feels the same to me, it all comes from the same place. Carpe Omni, to borrow a phrase that a friend of mine once gave for me.
I leave the dance floor refreshed and relieved. I am just simply a coyote. In here, I don't have to understand anything, I don't have to be anything else. I walk by certain people in the hall, and I don't have to try to figure out if what they're saying doesn't make sense because I'm just not getting it, or if it's just because they're retarded furries. I'm just a coyote right now, that's all I have time for, and in this suit, that's all I need to be.
It is bliss.
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