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So, let's work through this intellectual exercise together.

We discovered, and believed, many things together. The Place of no Time. Iced Tea. Soup. That we created the Universe together. That we were made for each other. That we created each other, for each other. That we were Always. That we were One. All of us, always, but especially You and Me. That we could Hear each other. That we could make things Happen. And, we did. I saw it. You saw it.

Was any of that real? Did you actually believe it? Do you still? I can't speak for you, but, I certainly did. And, I still do. I suppose, I have to. For one thing, having seen that world, too many things still keep Happening, even now. Too much for coincidence. For another, there's just... too much of the way I think that's now built upon all of that. I don't even know if I know how to *not* think that way anymore. Not that that's a particularly good reason to believe in fantasy and illusion, if it was all just that...

To go back to the way it was, before we learned all these things, would be to become Less than we are now.

Did you find a way to do that? Is living like that ok to you? I don't know, but, it just isn't ok, to me.

I mean, really, where do you go from There, from such a height, but down? I don't think that you get more than one of those in a lifetime... you know? I mean like, what, how would that even go? "Oh no wait, I'm sorry, I was wrong, it wasn't me and that other guy that created the universe together, it was me and *you*, new person that I've met, after thinking that about myself and someone else. Sorry, I was mistaken about it before, but now I see it was *you* all along!"

Really? Are you really gonna believe that from yourself again? I mean, I dunno... maybe I'm wrong. Have you? Maybe you can. Maybe you do. But, I just don't think that I can. Even I can't bullshit myself that well.

So then, the problem with this whole thing, is that there's really only three possibilities, none of which are particularly good. The first, that it was/is all true, every bit of it, in the way that we always thought about it. And if that's the case, then this whole current situation is just wrong and complete bullshit, and wasted time and life.

The second, is that it was true-ish, but, that you can somehow just keep transferring all of that over to the next guy. Which, again, I don't believe. I can't do it. As for you, I don't know what you think about that, but, either you can't either, in which case, I don't see how you could feel like it's anything other than a step down either. Or, you can do it, and do think that with him now. Which I suppose would be great for you and him, but I just don't see *how* you can. If you can make that kind of swap, if it is not unique to one couple, then by definition, how true could any of it really ever be in the first place?

Or, the third, and most distressing possibility of all. That it was in fact not real. Not like we thought of it all. That it was all just the crazy... craziness of everything. That everything was ordinary, just another among all the numbers, just the same as everyone else. This is the nightmare option. Because, that means, I have touched an idea that is impossible, that cannot exist. And now, it has become better than everything else. Better than any real thing that, for being real, could ever exist. I am in love with an impossible idea, that I believed, that I experienced, and that now is gone. I am forever cursed now, as Anything will always be merely Settling, will always be a step down, from Everything.

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Quentin Coyote

September 2017

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