quentincoyote: (Default)
Well, oh great Sky Coyote, you've got one really sick fucked up twisted sense of humor.

But... yeah, it's pretty damn funny. Good one. I get it.

Whoo boy, what a week.

#moretocome
#coyotehappens
#trulyfeelingbetterforthefirsttimeinalongtime

P.S. Special thanks to Isaac Coyote for the assistance.

Debt free!

Feb. 16th, 2011 10:05 am
quentincoyote: (Default)
And just like that... With a click of the mouse, I have just now paid off the very very last of my credit card debt. For the first time in 10 years, coyote is now completely in the black! :D
quentincoyote: (Default)
So, let's work through this intellectual exercise together.

We discovered, and believed, many things together. The Place of no Time. Iced Tea. Soup. That we created the Universe together. That we were made for each other. That we created each other, for each other. That we were Always. That we were One. All of us, always, but especially You and Me. That we could Hear each other. That we could make things Happen. And, we did. I saw it. You saw it.

Was any of that real? Did you actually believe it? Do you still? I can't speak for you, but, I certainly did. And, I still do. I suppose, I have to. For one thing, having seen that world, too many things still keep Happening, even now. Too much for coincidence. For another, there's just... too much of the way I think that's now built upon all of that. I don't even know if I know how to *not* think that way anymore. Not that that's a particularly good reason to believe in fantasy and illusion, if it was all just that...

To go back to the way it was, before we learned all these things, would be to become Less than we are now.

Did you find a way to do that? Is living like that ok to you? I don't know, but, it just isn't ok, to me.

I mean, really, where do you go from There, from such a height, but down? I don't think that you get more than one of those in a lifetime... you know? I mean like, what, how would that even go? "Oh no wait, I'm sorry, I was wrong, it wasn't me and that other guy that created the universe together, it was me and *you*, new person that I've met, after thinking that about myself and someone else. Sorry, I was mistaken about it before, but now I see it was *you* all along!"

Really? Are you really gonna believe that from yourself again? I mean, I dunno... maybe I'm wrong. Have you? Maybe you can. Maybe you do. But, I just don't think that I can. Even I can't bullshit myself that well.

So then, the problem with this whole thing, is that there's really only three possibilities, none of which are particularly good. The first, that it was/is all true, every bit of it, in the way that we always thought about it. And if that's the case, then this whole current situation is just wrong and complete bullshit, and wasted time and life.

The second, is that it was true-ish, but, that you can somehow just keep transferring all of that over to the next guy. Which, again, I don't believe. I can't do it. As for you, I don't know what you think about that, but, either you can't either, in which case, I don't see how you could feel like it's anything other than a step down either. Or, you can do it, and do think that with him now. Which I suppose would be great for you and him, but I just don't see *how* you can. If you can make that kind of swap, if it is not unique to one couple, then by definition, how true could any of it really ever be in the first place?

Or, the third, and most distressing possibility of all. That it was in fact not real. Not like we thought of it all. That it was all just the crazy... craziness of everything. That everything was ordinary, just another among all the numbers, just the same as everyone else. This is the nightmare option. Because, that means, I have touched an idea that is impossible, that cannot exist. And now, it has become better than everything else. Better than any real thing that, for being real, could ever exist. I am in love with an impossible idea, that I believed, that I experienced, and that now is gone. I am forever cursed now, as Anything will always be merely Settling, will always be a step down, from Everything.
quentincoyote: (Default)
SO!

So, so, so...

*drums paw on table*

So, it is a brand new year, and time for some brand new things. Looking over my journal this past year, it is immediately apparent what an appalling state of disuse it is in. Twitter is responsible somewhat for this, but, it can not take nearly all of the blame. Many other people have commented to me as well, how I used to have such interesting things to say, and now all I ever do for the most part anymore, is post cryptic youtube videos.

And, they are right. Believe me, no one feels this more acutely than myself. And, I know exactly why this is. The fact of the matter is, this past year was one of the absolutely worst in my entire life. My whole world was turned completely upside down, and while I had plenty of thoughts screaming around in my head, I had none of it that I wished to commit to story. I did not like these stories. They were stories of pain, of bitterness... theft... betrayal... humiliation... abandonment... hopelessness... confusion. Stories of getting old, frail, youth and innocence lost... Going over my journal itself, I can see quite clearly where it started, even before it may have become quite apparent on the outside. The day that I stopped telling stories about Us.

There was another bad time in my life, of a... mmm, different and yet similar nature, though less severe, back around late 2005, where I also stopped telling stories for a long while too. If you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all? Perhaps. Rather though, I would put it, I just do not like the Story. I no longer like the narrative of my own life.

I have been reading this book lately: Coyote Wisdom: The Power of Story in Healing, by Lewis Mehl-Madrona. He's a half Cherokee doctor of medicine and psychiatry, and self-avowed Coyote Person, and in his practice he has gained some renown for successfully incorporating certain native american healing traditions, into that of western medicine. From his inside jacket:

"We evolve through relationships... Healing involved restoration of "right relationship". I need to hear your story, the story you tell about yourself and your illness, to know where your relationships are disturbed. The unfolding of the story provides the clues about where to restore balance and harmony.

In this book, I advance the importance of the story in medical practice. I want to convey the idea that illness, and the story of the illness, are as inseparable as mind and body. When we speak about an illness, we engage in a creative act. With our words and gestures, we can augment health or illness. We listen to what we say. We convince others to agree with us. The philosopher George Herbert Mead believed that words have visceral components. We feel in our guts what we say. Even if we consciously use one meaning for a word, our bodies react to all of its meanings. This corresponds to what Hindus mean when they speak about the vibration of a sound and how that vibration resonates within the whole body. Through our social interactions, we learn to feel some words differently than others. Are we speaking healing words or sickness words? We find out by listening to the stories we tell and perceive their effects upon our bodies and upon our listeners."


Or, in short... the stories that we tell about ourselves, even just to ourselves, affect our overall well being, just as much as the purely "physical" aspects of an ailment, itself. The two are, in fact, not separate. The Story is everything.

On that point, consider this story of my own, which I used to tell myself:

"Driving on the highway, there we pass the control tower of Newark airport. I have grown up seeing this tower, for almost my entire life. How could I have ever known, all of those times passing by it over the years... how very important it would become to me one day? I could never have even guessed that one day, I would be laying there right under it, at FAU... Smoking a hookah, laying under it looking up at the stars, arm in arm with the One who had found me... my soulmate... the one that I loved most dearly, above any other, ever... the one who I was Destined to be with for the rest of my life."

That was a story of great power to me. And, it imbued that object itself, the control tower, with a similar power. So much, as to cause a feeling of great awe and wonder, whenever I saw it. Strength, hope, warmth, love, joy radiating all through me...

Consider now, this very different story:

"Driving on the highway, there we pass the control tower of Newark airport. I have grown up seeing this tower, for almost my entire life. How could I have ever known, all of those times passing by it over the years... that one day, I would be laying underneath it, looking up at the stars, arm in arm with the one who I loved dearly, with all of my heart, above any other, ever.... The one, who I would think that I was Destined to be with, for the rest of my life... ...But, who would eventually cheat on me for almost three months, right under my own nose, with a once-mutual friend, and then run off with him down to Atlanta, leaving me behind, devastated beyond anything that I have ever known."

That's a very powerful story as well. And it creates a monster. A dark obelisk of despair and ruination, visible for miles and miles all around, that I cannot go anywhere without seeing, and having it make the tears start flowing like they'd never stopped at all, all over again.

This is but one microstory out of hundreds, which have been so similarly modified, haunting me, hounding me every day, everywhere I go, even just sitting at home.

There are... other possible formulations of these - and the overall arching - story which could be made, which would be more... charitable towards the One in question, shall we say. However, I have been trying, for almost nine months... and, I have been able to come up with none at all which both: accommodate all of the facts on the ground, and yet also do not leave me here either wasting what little remains of my youth, counting time, waiting in vain for nothing, or just simply outright leaves me here wasting away among the pieces, a hollow shell, a cheap parody of my former self, keeping up appearances and going through all the same tired out motions.

I want out. I need something new. To close this book for good, and start a different one. I need a completely new Story to tell.

So, as some may know, for many years, I had been working on paying off my debt, incurred from my very long time out of work in 2000 - 2001. For the longest time, I had made it my goal to accomplish this - that was my plan, that was my mission. That was my thing to strive for. And, though I do rather well in my work, that debt was rather... substantial and crushing. Well, as I had tweeted about earlier last month, that goal will *finally* be accomplished, this month. Done, all gone, coyote in the black. For the first time in ten years. Also, coincidentally, this year will mark my tenth year officially in the Furry fandom, my first meeting of other furs in 2001, my first ever Anthrocon AC 2001. Ten years ago, one cycle ended, and a completely new one began. One that I wished for, but could never have even dreamed that one day I would actually get to have. Ten years. It would seem that that would be a very fortuitous time to make that cycle happen again. For a long while there, I had thought, once my paying of my debt was done, that my next long term goal would be to put Rex through college, and/or perhaps to start saving up for a house for us. But, that has now been taken from me as well. So, what then, to set as the new goal to strive for?

So, I have been thinking about this long and hard these past several weeks... and, I think that I have settled on one that feels very Right Relationship for me. I love New York City, I really do. And, I would recommend it to any who have not yet experienced it. But, for me, I have lived in this area for almost 18 or 20 years now, and I think that it has just about worn me out. I know everyone that I'm going to know here, have done everything that I'm going to do. And, there are just too many more broken monuments around here than I care to look at all the time, when all I'm trying to do is simply get through the normal course of my day. I can't even see the word "Brooklyn", on any subway station anywhere, without instinctively cringing and grimacing for a moment. I need to be the hell away from here. I need new faces, new places, new things, something different.

So I will say, officially here and now... that it is my goal within the next two years or so, to move myself out to the San Francisco bay area. Permanently.

This is actually something that I have daydreamed about, idly for many years, ever since I was 18, and fantasized about going to college in Berkley, finding my liberal hippy-ish West Coast counter culture life, fleeing my oppression in the East. Parents put the kibosh on that at the time, however. Later on, that dream was rekindled again, when I went to my first FC in 2004, and then for more extended stays later on, and completely fell in love with the mountains, the people, and the overall environment. I think that the culture would also suit me better overall, and the climate certainly would (fuck these New York winters!)

Well, now, I think it's about time to start putting that daydream firmly into the reality column. There is nothing left for me here, anymore. And the more that I think about this, the more excited I have been becoming, about... well, everything again! I see a future with this, looking forward, more Story, once again... and less and less looking back, telling the same old ones over again over again. For the first time in nine months, I have been feeling Happy, and actually optimistic, once more.

I already know a ton of people out that way to begin with, and, I have recently joined the Bay Area Furs mailing list, introduced myself, and have started talking to like a ton of new people that I'd never met before, telling me all kinds of exciting sounding things and places. With my trip that I'll be taking out to FC in a couple weekends, I'm hoping to meet up with a lot of them, and I'll sort of be using this as a fact finding mission, feeling some things out to see how I might better make this happen. This is good. This feels right to me, and it's really giving me something hopeful to look forward to again. With this, I will now once again reclaim control of my own story, instead of letting it buffet me about on the rocks, as it has been for awhile.

***

A new friend that I've made from the Bay, in talking with them about this, recently sent me this quote. I like it a lot:

"West is where we all plan to go someday. It is where you go when the land gives out and the old-field pines encroach. It is where you go when you get the letter saying 'Flee, all is discovered!'. It is where you go when you look down at the blade in your hand and see blood on it. It is where you go when you are told that you are a bubble on the tide of Empire.It is where you go to grow up with the country. It is where you go to spend your old age. Or it is just where you go".

-Robert Penn Warren "All the King's Men"


So let it be Written, so let it be Done!



The Dog Days are Over
quentincoyote: (Bala blink)
So, I learned something very interesting about my fursuit this weekened. I learned that, from in here... I can make you see anything that I want.

No... That's not right. Lets back up a little bit here, start from the beginning...

***

...The lights are flashing. Base is pumping. Shadows and movement, all around me everywhere. Wall of sound. Forms dancing. Darkness and sound and colored lights envelops like a blanket, covering all. This is a good place. Back to the source. Back to where I first became a coyote. A place where I can listen and observe. A place where I can just... be.

Much of my vision is taken up by the inside of my suit, with windows through the eyes and mouth. Much like, I imagine, the cockpit of a mechsuit, that I'm driving. Interestingly enough, I think of my own body this way, often enough, containing within it the energy that is Me. Although there, the interface is better. Too good, sometimes. For there, I can never just let go of the controls and "wipe my brow", as it were, without my "suit" giving that away. The more primitive technology of my coyote suit, however, is, at the moment, much more liberating that way. Coyote surrounds me, protects me. I can dance in here, and... just let go. Just let it all go. Relax. Release. Safe.

Let it all go, and... Cry. Cry like I've never cried before. Outside, I'm just a coyote. And inside, I'm just a Coyote, too. I don't have to be anything else, for anyone else right now. No more struggling to keep up appearances. Coyote will take care of that for me. I'm dancing. The lights are flashing, the music is pumping. And tears are streaming in rivers down my face. Filling my mouth, filling my nose. And nobody has to see, and nobody has to know. I don't have to deal with omg what's wrong, are you ok, blah blah blah etc. I can just watch from in here, and be, and let it all go. I am in that Place again. Everything is becoming everything, and all time is as one. And I Remember, and I am There, and he is with me, and we are Together, as we always ever were, as somehow, we always will ever be. But, here, as I said... Everything is Everything, including realspace as well, and so he is still not with me, at the same time. How did we come to this? How did we fall so far away from where we were? Now, however... for these moments tonight, I am back there where we were, again. And, for being so suddenly thrust back through to that, the realization of the difference is like a supernova in my mind.

This is not right.

This should not be.

*Where are you?*

*I love you*

*I need you*

*You would understand all of this, if you were here with me. Only you could. All I would have to do, is look at you, and connection and truth would pour forth from your eyes*

*This dialog has only ever been between you and I, as all of our myriad forms dance around us, from the Big Bang, unto the end of the universe, and all of the time in-between.*

***

He used to keep a little glass vial on my desk. That he wanted to fill with coyote tears, he used to say. That he would rush to reach for, whenever he would tickle me so hard, that my laughter would have my whole body shaking, and they would start to stream down from my beet red face. Or, when I was sad or upset about something... and he would use that to turn them right back into tears of laughter. He could always make me laugh... to outsiders, in the seemingly most counter-intuitive and inappropriate of ways. Why would you laugh at such things? But, we understood each other that well. Coyote tears... some kind of magic elixer. That always made me smile again, too.

On the Outside, Coyote(tm). On the Inside, Coyote. On the Outside, scandal, and outrage from some quarters, some actually making monetary bets for how short it would last, over a thirty-something, and his once-upon-a-time at the very beginning, *sixteen year old boyfriend, who likes to sleep in a dog cage sometimes, because... I dunno, why not? Why do you do half the things that you do? (*Legal in NJ. But see that? I have to take time out for disclaimers and distractions, and I'm just simply trying to tell a story here. Jeeze.) But on the inside... Everything.

***

But right now, I am dancing in my fursuit... and crying. Yet, perversely, this is ok... This is where I want to be right now, doing exactly what I want to be doing. Being exactly how I want to be. Free from scrutiny, right out in the open. Free to just... Be me. Whatever that is. And I'm feelin' this music, I'm really getting into it, letting it flow through through me, transmogrifying... phase shift... transforming light into heat. People are coming up to dance with me. *tear-soaked eyebrow raises* Really? Systems check: Hull integrity at... mmmm, 80-ish percent? Little overweight again this year. Nevermind all the current crying. But for now, Coyote is doing his job on the outside, and so on the inside as well. All I want to have to be for you right now is a coyote, and also for me.

And as I'm starting to think more about this, my thoughts are turning towards just the music, and just the dancing, and having a good time. The tears are abating. Everything is pretty, and interesting around me, and the music is in me. And suddenly, another particular suiter that I know catches my eye. Another one that, by all appearances... (not that all of my above dissertation on appearances is by any means lost on me...) but, by all appearances, seems to feel the music the same way I do. All he wants to be for anybody is a fox right now, and I am quite content to let him do that, and just enjoy watching him. I actually stop dancing, and go to sit down in the back of the room, so I can just do that. He is mesmerizing. He's got the energy, and the moves to back it up. He feels it. It's pretty awesome. And jesus fuck, why is there always some nondescript motherfucker getting in the way, blocking my view when I'm trying to watch such things?! I have to... move... my head... this way, that way.. gah, dammit! Cut it out, fucking hell! I get up, and move somewhere else, to try to get a more clear angle on my favorite suiter. Tsk, jeeze... again, what the hell! Why are you in my way again like you're fol-

...

...Oh.

Crap... wait. Yes, I do recognize you.. *sigh, holds eyes with paw* I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... You won't read this, but, you've come up and talked to me several times now. I've seen you around at this con before. You're a nice guy. You've said some very nice things, expressed admiration for me... possibly other things, even... But... I can't be that person for you right now. I can't be what you think you see. I can't be on this pedestal. I'm not strong enough. *I* need to be held again, and told that everything is gonna be all right. I'm barely able to be me enough, for me right now. I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry...

*Cocks ear* Wait a minute... what the hell was that? Something interesting just happened, I need to pay attention to this...

***

SO I WAS AT THIS ROOM PARTY!

There. Got your attention now? You like it when I tell stories like this. Dance, Coyote. Dance for us.

Yeah, so, I was at this room party. Yes, one of "those" parties. There's a pretty sweet picture on my phone of me pulling a Lynndie at it, which shall not go online. So, there's this naked guy on the bed, surrounded by people. And, this other guy has this like 8 inch dildo, perfectly shaped and colored like a giant dog dick, complete with knot at the base, which can be inflated via a squeeze pump attached to it. It's pretty awesome. And so, he's trying to use it on the naked guy on the bed, and that's kind of the center of attention of the room, at the moment, this guy trying to take the thing.

And, he's doing a pretty decent job of it, he's got it all the way up to the knot so far, and now that's the big climax, so to speak - is he gonna be able to get the whole dog? But, that knot's giving him a bit of trouble, even though it isn't even inflated yet. Now of course, *I* took the whole thing the previous night, no problem... but I mean, hey, I *am* a coyote. *nods, dusts paw knuckles on chest*

So, that's going on, and it just won't quite go all the way in, and the guy doing the doing is kind of distracted, and talking a whole lot to the room at large, and not, to my mind, paying quite enough attention to his task at hand. And, the naked guy being dog-done, is clearly inexperienced in such situations, and while he's been happy until now, is starting to look uncomfortable. No one else seems to be stepping up, so I decide I may need to intervene. I say to him several times, "The safe word is 'bannanas'. Do you understand?" But, it seems that he doesn't know what that means. Meanwhile, for my part, the fifth dimension is just beginning to call to me, and I'm starting to feel the Power. I've tried, many times, unsuccessfully, to explain the true nature of the Power to those who have not experienced it. But, suffice for now to say, it has a certain subtlety to it. It requires a balance point, nothing too overt, there has to be plausible deniablity to it, or else that would just give the whole game away, and that's against the rules. But, this is one such balance point. This will absolutely go whichever way I choose - triumphant completion, or, to the hospital with blood - if I do nothing more than simply think about it. I can feel it.

NO! No... I'm not playing this game right now. That'd be too cheap of a parlour trick. I have better things to be doing with the gift. I need to go be more Everywhere right now. Abort.

And so, I made the one guy just stop completely, with mouth words, and crisis, or extasy, was averted that day.

***

The lights are flashing, the music is pumping. I am dancing. I am crying. I am Everyone. I see all the connected islands. I feel everyone's hopes, and dreams, and despairs. But mostly, I feel my own.

*LOSS*

*GRIEF*

*LOVE*

*I need you*

*I love you*

*Where are you?*

But wait... what was... that? Something interesting is happening... I need to pay attention to this...

The music... Something went wrong... did it? Synthesis, harmony... broke down, and disolved into discordant noise... just for a second.

When I was a child, one of my favorite toys was this... electronic sound machine. "Sound FX", I think it was called. It had all these knobs and switches on it. Was really nothing more than a bunch of like... I dunno, resistors and capacitors and things attached to it, I guess. When a current passed through it, it would start out as blank noise. But, by tweaking these knobs and switches, you could introduce modulation... frequency... Cycles... Pattern. You could make them go faster or slower, rising or falling, interfere or complement. Until, you would wind up producing some of the most complex and varied things you could imagine hearing, all from these very little simple pieces.

The music had suddenly gone all like that... Broken down into the simple noise pieces... just like the Sound FX. And held there just a moment too long, so as to be jarring and discordant. Did the DJ mean to do that? I wasn't the only one that picked up on it either, as everyone else stopped dancing for a moment too, confused. But perhaps that was just a way to get our attention. For just as quickly as it had gone like that, the noise swept back again into synthesis and harmony. And back, and forth, never quite crossing that line again though. Back and forth, slowly at first, but building, rising, faster and faster... It is inside me, in the base, at the back of my primitive lizard brain. In Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson posits the ancient Summerians hacking the brain stem with such proto sounds, at the very beginning of language. This feels like that. These sounds are gutteral, they are *low*. They are down *HERE!* Stroking inside of me, rubbing, caressing that place, sweeping back and forth, gripping me so knowingly, with every little quiver and throb... Oh god... Jesus... Sway... Faster... Rise...

Rise...

Rise...

The crowd feels it too. That fox I like feels it. The room is connected...

Rise...

Rise... and

*JUMP!!!* UNNNNGH!!!

Release. I feel like I have just masturbated all over the dance floor, cum covering everything and everyone, and I haven't touched myself inappropriately even once. Fuck! I feel like I've fucked the DJ, and we've never had sex. Yet, why is this, what just happened here, why is this ok, and the room party story I told above is scandalous? It all feels the same to me, it all comes from the same place. Carpe Omni, to borrow a phrase that a friend of mine once gave for me.

I leave the dance floor refreshed and relieved. I am just simply a coyote. In here, I don't have to understand anything, I don't have to be anything else. I walk by certain people in the hall, and I don't have to try to figure out if what they're saying doesn't make sense because I'm just not getting it, or if it's just because they're retarded furries. I'm just a coyote right now, that's all I have time for, and in this suit, that's all I need to be.

It is bliss.



quentincoyote: (Default)



Current Mood: *smokes a long, slow cigarette...* ...Contemplative... We'll go with that.
quentincoyote: (Default)
So, I went on spiritwalk last night, seeking Coyote for wisdom and answers. And... in summation, He showed me this - litterally this, particular youtube clip.

(thanks, Branwyn *hugs*)



quentincoyote: (Default)

 
Cliff diving in the woods was fun yesterday.
 
Totally kicked ass on The Beatles “Oh! Darlin” at karaoke last night.  Raised a few eyebrows, even among people not in our group.

Will be at NB furmeet this Thursday. 
 
Leaving for Yellowstone park this Friday.
 
Hmm… I don’t use this mood choice very often.  I guess that’s something at least, right?
quentincoyote: (Default)

This is what's gonna be happening here. This is how it's done.
quentincoyote: (Default)
So last night, I went out for drinks and kareoke for JD Puppy's birthday. (I totally housed Creep, and Purple Rain, by the way) And, over the course of the evening, I had an eppiphany about a few things. New stuff! New ideas. Get it? That's important, we'll be calling back to that a few times here.

But, let's back up a little bit here first. So, when I was a kid, and first became actively conscious of all of my various sorts of Furry thoughts... I used to think that I must be the only person in the entire world that felt that way. Hell, I didn't even have a name for it back then. Forget about gay, that was easy by comparison. But this, this was something else entirely different. And something that I would never, ever be able to share with another person. If I would even be able to tell them about it at all, still, surely, I would never find someone else that shared and could relate to them. And, there was nothing I could do about that. It was the fate I was resigned to. And, it was pretty damn fucking lonely. For years.

And then... boom! Furry! Furry everywhere I look! Discovered the fandom, lurked about in fear for a few years, believe it or not... (this was really impossible that this could actually exist, you see), but then took the plunge, and well, here I am, almost ten years later. Will be ten years exactly, next Anthrocon, in fact. And I don't need to tell you how awesome it all is, you who are here with me, you already know, so I will not belabor that point. But..! The important part here, is that here is this thing that I never thought I would get to have, once upon a time. And lo and behold, I got it. That is amazing, incredible. And also, I have seen, and done, more things in the past ten years, then I ever had before in the preceeding 27. Amazing things, impossible things, incredible things. Like, fuck my teenage years. No seriously, fuck that fucking bullshit. These past ten years have been where it's at.

And that in itself... is pretty incredible too. I mean think about it, that's a pretty comforting thought, right? The impossible is possible, and you can live a whole lifetime a certain way, and you don't even know that everything you've ever wanted is just around the corner, ahead of you, waiting for you.

Bam - paradigm shift! New stuff! And that, is point one.

So then, point two concerns... my general concept of how romantic relationships are formed and conducted. "Are formed." That is a passive term, and is a throwback, I think, to my upbringing and my old pre-furry style way of life. "To form", is a more active, and perhaps necessary paradigm, both at this point in my life, and given the exigencies of our current, universally connected mind / diasporically scattered meat space of our furry ecosphere. (<- see "titular")

So, the old adage goes, you can't go looking for love, love just has to find you. I was raised to believe that. And so, I did. For a very long time, at points. And it came, occasionally, for greater or lesser lengths. Pretty spectacularly too for a long while, this last time. But, I waited for it. Waited for it to just fall into my lap, while I went about my long, and very lonely, daily buisness. And in the meantime, I did dispair over it, sometimes for years, watching my life slowly slip away from me. At least, in that respect. But I did not rest on my laurels either. While I was there waiting for that, I did do many things (see Furry, above), and worked long and hard to improve myself, my life, my career. And I achieved many great things in those respects. For my efforts, I'm now comfortably just about where anyone else would reasonably hope to be in those areas. Love was that last remaining thing, that I did not go out and search for, that I waited for to find me.

And then it did, and I was happy, and well and truly thought that I was done, and all set up, for the rest of my life. As some may remember, in a certain story that I once told, I was in a car accident with him one time, and I was absolutely sure, in that moment, that I was about to die. And... though I certainly did not want to... I was ok with it. If this is how it all must end.. then I am ok. I am with who I want to be with, and I am happy. I am at peace.

So, I don't know, if you've never experienced a moment like that, if you can even begin to comprehend how... jaring, shall we say, it is, to find yourself thrust back into a reality in which you'd lost that. Let alone the manner in which that was lost. But, lost all the same, either way, would not be good. You think think think, and wish wish wish so hard, with all your might, to rewrite time itself, to will it all back... where the fuck is Donnie Darko with his airplane engine to save the world and kill this tangent universe, already? But alas... you cannot. This is the universe you're in.

So... I am come resigned to press ahead once again, and somehow build amazing new things out of the ashes of terrible situations. I have done it many times before, about a great variety and spectrum of things. It's something I'm good at by now. And, its a very Coyote magic, after all. So, where to start.. Let's take inventory here. I am sad, and I miss him dearly. I am terribly hurt by how this was done to me. And, above it all, as those things begin to fade in the fire of time, I am left right back now, once again with the crushing prospect of Waiting... for something like that to just magically wander into my life, once again. You know, here, in this place, where I've lived for how many years now, and pretty much already know everybody that I'm gonna know by random, passive chance. Waiting, as I keep getting older, and in a world where the kind of people I connect with are this tiny minority of weirdos called Furries, that god infected with the thing, and then scattered all to high hell and beyond, one in a million per random average square mile, and didn't even give them a way to find each other until about circa 1995. But, he did do it, that last part. That's some new shit right there... This may be one of those situations where a paradigm shift is required again, to adjust to new realities.

There must be something I can do with all this. Let's put on the ol' Coyote lenses here, and see what we see...

Wait a minute... Holy shit! I've got it!! *smacks forehead with paw* Oh my god, I've been thinking about all this entirely wrong, and the answer's been staring me right in the face this whole entire time!

So check this! I have been shown, by direct empirical example mind you, that it is entirely possible... to "point" at some random furry that you don't even know, and instant-message out of the blue go "Hey, you!" And, miraculously, find aaaaall your checkboxes of things that you like, yes, even all those one in a billion weirdo furry ones, all of them, checked off right on down the list, and, less than three months later, be moved in with them, and run off to some far away place that you've been to maybe once before if at all, and don't know anyone there, and don't have a job going into it or anything... and be happy! < 3! Fuck, and if you throw in maybe an extra three months in beforehand of prep work there, you can even do it with someone that already has a boyfriend, even ones that have been together for multiple years, had all their checkboxes checked off with each other, had said that they wanted to be together forever, get married, mix their ashes together when they die, and all that, with not even a single day of break inbetween!

That. Is. Amazing! Stupendous, really. That is a whole new outlook on things that I'd never even considered before, and really gives me hope for the future again. I mean, think about it. Less than three months! And... mine is not even the only empirical example of such... as I have been made aware of others recently. But, those are not my stories to tell, and so I shall not tell them. But, in any case... So today is... *looks at watch* July 27th? Sweet! That means, if we started right now, we could potentially get this thing done in time for Furfright, if we just hurry it along a little!

So really, what do I have to wait for? Seriously. Maybe that really is the way to go, again given all I have said about the dispersed nature of furries. Your perfect match in California's not going to just randomly wander into your furmeet in Florida. This is the age of the Internet, and universal always-on connectedness, and self-sorting, self-finding communities. Distance is rapidly becoming an after thought, especially for those of us with the means to eventually eliminate it. Paradigm shift. This is the lesson that I have learned this year. And you know what, I'll even say, I'm not gonna bother with the extra-three-months-already-have-a-boyfriend situations for myself. Cause I'm not a dick like that. *nods*

Now, I'm not saying that this will always work, by any means. Nor that every, nor the first, nor the 100th person you point at will work out that way. I am merely saying that it is, apparently, possible. And, that we have the tools now to do the pointing. And finally that... I think we may have to start accepting the reality that, given where we all are, as Furries, for many this may be the only way to find someone else worth while. Targeted. Active. Waiting around is sooooo twentieth century, and merely "not looking", as they do in the mundane world, will not accomodate the furry diaspora. Also, you still have to do all that self work to make yourself ready, and make yourself someone worth being with, as well.

So, on that note... You know what, I'll invite anyone that has watched me, perhaps wanted to say hi to me, but has before "never had a good reason to", whatever that may mean, to do so. Now you do. And that reason is, that I am here. And so are you.

It is at this point, in many personals ads, if that is what this is going to become, that some would put out a list of "requirements" of potential other people. And, promptly make themselves appear pushy, shallow, or demanding, and turn you right the fuck off. I'll not put out the usual list that tends to fill such things. Instead, I'd lay out some things that are merely, if you're honest with yourself, kind of fundamental, for any potential successful anything. To that end, I would say...

1) Please be at least 25. Believe it or not, in fact, I would actually put that number a bit higher, but then, the fact of the matter is that's already cutting out half the fandom. So, I conceed to reality. (For upper limit, there is none.) The reason for this is simply that it makes some of these next ones much easier, and more likely. Such as...

2) Be ready. Whatever you think that may mean, to you. Ready with me or not, is another matter entirely, and could be figured out in time. But at least, ready, for yourself. Perhaps I was not, myself, in times past, and I see what that does now. But I am, now. And, I'm really done with... I have to wait to finish school, or I have to wait to get a job at all, or I have to wait for my real career to start, or I have to wait for Godot over here to finally show up. The only thing I want to wait on anymore with someone, to move in with them, have the house, and the dog and the picket fence, and all of that, is merely for all the interpersonal, relationship things to be right for it with someone else. No more of those other things. I'm ready. Furfright's coming up. I mean, what? (*that was a joke by the way, that last kind of thing could and should take as much time as it needs.)

3) Like yourself. In fact, please have gotten to the point where you love yourself. There's another old saying that says, you can't love someone else, until you love yourself, and that one is true. In fact, not only that, but please think that you're pretty goddamned awesome, if you do say so yourself (*also, have reason to do so, not just oblivious ego). I'm not here to be awesome for you, I'm here to be awesome with you. Coyote will countenance no less. *nods*

4) Have a job. In fact, have a career, that you're pretty happy with. Basically, a direction in life, that you know where you're going with, and you're good with that. Incidentally, this one goes a long way towards helping with 2 and 3, not to mention, being able to get that house when willing and not just when waiting. And also, for that matter, makes conquering those furry distance issues possible, rather than dooming things to online, always and forever. Also, I'd really like to be able to share the responsibilities, and the providing of pleasures, of life, carry when necessary, and be carried when necessary for me, not just me doing all the carrying all the time. As for me? I'm a software engineer for a major pharma. Do the math.

5) Know what you want. And know that you've got it when you have it, and be happy about it. I've been around the block a number of times myself now, and fantasy is one thing, and even perhaps some of the more... unconventional ways furries conduct things are acceptable. Even fun, together. But, if I'm with someone, I'm with them, and I'm not going to consider leaving them over every single new hot thing that walks in the door. I'm over that shit. Please be, as well.

So yeah, know what you want. In a relationship, and in life.

Also, this does not count:



Yeah no fucking shit buddy, really?? You, me, and everybody else around here. You're like the fucking guy in Idiocracy, who's all like, "Sex? Ooh I like sex!" Yeah, you're just so fucking special that way. In fact, what the hell? You're a fucking rock star, and you've got a music video on tv, and still you're bitching about what you don't have? Shut the fuck up, get out of my face, I'm not in a fucking music video, and you don't see me crying about it. Oh wait... Yes I am. ^.^

God I hate that guy... But anyway, I digress.

But yeah... I'd say, that's about it. The rest, is all negotiable. As far as distance goes, I no longer think that I care about that anymore, because, well, see all of the above. If, after a lot of meatspace time together, where it became clear that it was the right thing to do, you could move out here, or, hell... Maybe I've grown tired of New York, after all this time. Maybe it's grown tired of me. Maybe it's time for a real change, once again. Some place new. Paradigm shift.

Oh yes, one last thing. The ability to have entire conversations with someone that you're in sync with, through only the use of gestures and significant glances, while everyone else around you has no idea you're even doing it, is really hawt, and probably a requirement at this point, as well. :-P

All comments will be screened by default, to protect the flame bombs, and the genuinely interested, alike. Neutral comments may or may not be unscreened, at my discretion.

Aroo.

P.S. Yes, this isn't exactly 'active targeting', as I have termed it, this is merely filing notice. But, perhaps I'll start doing a little bit of that, myself here.

*Current mood: 1 part cynical, 1 part humorous, 1 part serious.
quentincoyote: (Default)
And now, I will tell of my Anthrocon experience.

So... Truthfully, I was a little bit scared, going into it. This was to be the first con that I would be going to without Rex. And, I really didn't know what that would be like. I was afraid. Afraid of getting there, and seeing all the things and places, that I already knew in my mind that I would see, places where we had seen and had very significant experiences together... people that we knew. I was dreading every "Hey, Quentin! Uh.. where's Rex?" that I was sure I would still hear... and just... so many other things. I would be missing the other half of my brain, my soul. And I didn't know if I would know how to... be me, anymore.

But... I got there alright. And thankfully, first of all, there was none of that dreaded phrase. Didn't even happen once. It had happened before, to be sure, in places closer to home. But, I guess by now, that had worked itself all out. And, as far as seeing all those familiar places goes... It was actually alright. The character and energy that I love so much about that place, was all still there, unchanged, waiting for me. And, I had been here before, many times, before, without rex as well. And all of those memories, I found, were still waiting there for me too. I started hanging around our... my... usual spot pretty much right away after I checked in. And immediately, friends that I knew started coming up to me, didn't treat me any different, and it was all... surprisingly ok. And new people came as well, as they do, and for that I didn't even have to worry about any of that at all.

Even the thing that I was very much most afraid of... having to pass by the spot on the sky bridge, where I first ever laid eyes on Rex, back three years ago before we actually "met" for real, was... somehow... unexplainably... ok.

Before the end of that first night, I met my first roommate, Digi, and he was a super cool, nice, totally awesome guy. We hit it off right away, and then the next day, his mate See Rex Play (again, hilarious), and by that point, my worries started to melt away, and I was simply having fun. Feeling good. Happy. For the first time, in about two months.

This was good for me.

By the next day, I found myself starting to go and do things, that I always used to love doing, but that Rex was never really into, so in recent times I'd started holding off from. Now, I was free to do them again. And unfettered, with impunity, without guilt or any kind of furtive thought that I had to "sneak this in", lest it bore or upset Rex.

Like, the dances, for one. I've always loved the dance. I feed off the dance's energy. I get power from the dance. The dance is, after all, where I first learned that I was a coyote, way back at my first Anthrocon, in 2001. Rex never used to care for the dance. For the last almost three years at every con, I'd only been to them for a few minutes each, when I could drag him there. Or else, by myself, when he was off doing... other things, and my mind was elsewhere, anyway. Now however, there, in that Place, I was reborn again. And I stayed for hours, and danced the nights away.

***

I had a couple of fancy dinners, with different groups of friends - a thing that I enjoy very very much. Spent litterally four hours at the Melting Pot, with Pyrophin, Scitters, and about 20 or so others (a few of which I got to talking to, and I think will now become quite good friends in the future). I sipped 100 year old Grand Marinier... and then, dipped marshmallows in it, and set them on fire. That place has now been redeemed for me, as well. I also had an absolutely wonderful dinner at the Sonoma Grill, with Direwolf, Tekfox and company. And enjoyed every single one hundred plus dollar bite of it. Thanks guys. *hugs all tight*

***

I had some very long talks, with several long time friends and acquaintances, with whom I've had... long standing unfinished business with, of some form or another. For years, in some cases. And I got to ask questions, and lay everything out on my side, once and for all, in ways that I never quite had before, and for the lack of it, had always nagged at me for the longest time. Perhaps, in some of those cases, maybe that's laid groundwork for new possibilities in the future. Perhaps not. But, in any case, if felt really really good to have all that closure. For coming into this thing as worried as I was, it was pretty amazing how much peace I was able to find, about a whole lot of different things. And, through it all, there were also other reminders of home calling back to me, reminding me of many new good things I may have to look forward to back here. Even things that had been here for awhile now, but I've only now just been starting to see them.

So... Yeah. Antrhocon, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You gave me just what I needed, right when I needed it the most. I'm so very glad that I came.

***

THIS IS IMPORTANT - READ THIS!

Now then. Having said all of that, there is one more story that I must tell. For, there is one thing that happened, I realized... that explains... EVERYTHING... that is wrong, with everything, and everybody, everywhere, for ever and always. Both litterally, and metaphorically. Absolutely everything. Are you ready for this? Cause, I'm serious as a heart attack here, so you'd better listen the fuck up, I'mma lay it all down for you, right now.

The names of the principals involved here have been omitted, they may not even read this, but they might. And, I do not wish to cause too much embarrassment or butthurt, but mmmmmmyou'd better listen up too. Thank you, in a way, for being such a shining example, and my eppiphany, but... I'mma smack the taste outta yer mouths if you don't heed the word, I swear to god.

So.

So at one point, on Sunday night, I decided to go back up to my room, to check out what was going on there. And I get there, and there's a whole bunch of people in there. All of whom I knew, I... think? Yes.

So anyway, they're all in there, and there's a whoooooole bunch of sex going on up in there. And clearly has been, for some time prior. "No big deal, I had that too," you say? Or, "goddamn, what the fuck, why couldn't I find that??" Nope, don't worry about it, not my point. Read on.

So, all of that's going on, and I'm a little buzzed and feeling pretty good, so I'm like mmmmmmmmmmalright, maybe I can get into this too. So, I get undressed, take a shower, and come back in to see what's up. Now, I'm not the kind of guy to just try to muscle in, and try to take me some of that. I don't do the whole competition thing. Me, I'm like, if you notice me, that's good, I'm here, I will respond to you. But if you don't, well then, fuck you too, I don't have time for that. But so, I get on the bed next to a couple of these guys, and wait to see what happens.

And, I'm watching these two going at it, both of them in fursuit with the heads off, and one of them's laying on his back, while the other one is leaning over him, giving him head. And the one giving head's really going at it, and the one laying back is getting all into it, and is all hot and bothered, and you can tell is getting really ready to blow his load.

AND THEN! All of a sudden, right there, in that very moment... the one giving head suddenly jerks himself up off of it, whips around to call out to his boyfriend who is over there standing behind him watching, and he yells, "Hey honey! Can you check my phone to see if [So And So] texted me? Cause he said he might want to get together and fool around later!

...
...
...

...And my jaw just hit the floor!!!

What?

WHAT?

Excuse me???

Did you REALLY just do what I think you just did? Is this happening, not happening? I don't even know anymore!

DUDE! Can you fucking finish having the sex that you're ACTUALLY having, before you're fucking rushing off in your own mind towards the sex that you aren't, but maybe could be having, later, some time in the future? Or maybe even, you know, not, for all you know??? You had HARD. DICK. IN. YOUR. MOUTH! You were in the moment! You were WHERE, ostensibly, you wanted to be, doing EXACTLY what you wanted to be doing!!! And you fucking STOPPED it, to chase after some magical other fantasy dick, that you don't have yet, that you might or might never have, and that might or might not be any better, than the one you HAVE RIGHT NOW! And you're missing it! You're missing your moment! And you fucking have it, and you don't even care or can't even see it, cause you're fucking chasing those other grapes, just out of reach, way over the fuck there somewhere!

UNBEFUCKINGLEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111ONE!

And I would be so motherfucking pissed as hell, if I was that guy that you stopped doing that to to have that little outburst over, and I would never even want to deal with you again, fuck. that. shit.

And as for [So And So]? Yeah, that never even happened at all, by the way. Cause, I saw [So And So] later the next morning, and recounted this whole story to him, and he burst out laughing and was surprised, and had no idea about any of all that at all. So, no, he wasn't missing you much, while you were missing out on what you COULD have had, and insulting and depriving the hell out of one really nice guy in the process. And, by the way, that's some quality dick right there, I should know, so bitch, bettah learn to appreciate what you have, and learn some humility and respect, thank you very much. You don't want it, tell you what, you go get the hell up off of it, and stop wasting everyone's time. *pimpsmacks!*

Yeah, so, that happened.

And then! Right after that... This other friend of mine, that I've played around with at times before, wasn't otherwise occupied, so he comes up to me, and he starts going down on me, and my head is still reeling from what I've just witnessed next to me, but I'm like alright, cool, I'm getting some now finally, and I'm gonna fucking enjoy it, ain't no way I'm gonna recreate what just happened over there...

But he starts doing that, and after a few seconds he stops, looks up at me... and fucking starts boasting to me about how much stuff he's already had that day, and how many times he'd gotten off earlier, etc...!

>.<

And I'm just like, in my head... YEAH! And, you could fucking be having one more, RIGHT NOW, if you'd just shut the fuck up and do it! And, by the way, not incidentally, while you're there telling me about it, and how great it all was, I'm fucking NOT having it, cause instead of making your muzzle useful, you're flapping it telling me how great the other stuff was and how satisfied you are. Can you possibly imagine, just for a moment, how really much I want to hear about all that right now??? What's tomorrow gonna be like? Are you gonna fucking reminisce tomorrow about the time last night that you reminisced about sucking dick, instead of, you know, fucking ACTUALLY SUCKING MY DICK???

Jesusfuckingchrist in hell!!! People are so fucking caught up in what they don't have yet, or what they could have, or what they used to have, that they don't fucking see WHAT THEY ACTUALLY FUCKING HAVE! It's right there! It's yours! All you have to do is reach out and take it!

Here, I'mma put on my serious face again, so you know how fucking serious I am!

Photobucket


...

And that... Is what is wrong, with everything, and every one. Fucking. Listen. To. Me.

*sighs, rubs paw to temple* hurrrrrrrrr... ImacoyoteImacoyoteImacoyote.... >.< *twitches, cricks neck*

So... after that, I'm like, fuck this, check please, I'm out... So I got up, got dressed again, and went back outside to people watch, hang out, and enjoy a very peaceful rest of the evening.

***

The next day, I woke up to an email from Jet Blue, saying that every fucking flight back to NYC was just summarily canceled, for some reason or another. There was a little bit of panic and scrambling there. But, I was very quickly rescued by Cliff Husky, Pyrophin, Scitters, and Curtis, who were driving back. And so, I spent a very very pleasant eight hours in the car ride back, just talking with Cliff, and listening to music, while the others slept in the back (minus Scitters, who was in a separate car). Stopped and ate at a Waffle House on the way back, awesome food, good times. Got back home, got to show off Fal's and my super fancy and nice apartment here in Hoboken, talked about how it just made us want to smack every lazy and retarded furry out there that just gives up, accepts failure as a way of life, and can't find it within themselves to make something of themselves.

I went to bed, happy, chipper, and feeling really really good about myself, and my life. It's been a very long and hard road, but, I've really done very well for myself, both financially, and in life. I'm in a very good place. And, I have some of the most amazing friends in the world, and nowhere to look but up, for my future to come. Life is good.

And, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Aroo. ^.^




quentincoyote: (Default)
For you, that have ever cared about me... Please click this.

Click... )
quentincoyote: (Default)
So today (on Mother's Day, of all days, lol), I went into the city to meet with my mother, and try to convince her to meet Rex again.

You may remember some weeks ago, our exchanges about that, and some have wondered about it's progress. Well, there had been no news reported, because there had been none to report, until now.

So, after weeks of running through any number of possilbe scenarios in my mind of how this might go, Rex and I headed on into the city to do the deed. We had made plans beforehand that Rex would wait somewhere a short distance away while my mother and I talked, and while neither of us expected it to really happen, this way we could provide the possiblity that, if things somehow went best case scenario, I might be able to call him up and have him join us, and get this done at last.

Well so anyway, Rex went away, I went to go wait for my mother, and once she arrived, we walked on over to Carl Schutz park along the East River to have our talk. We exchnaged pleasantries for awhile, and caught each other up on our various other goings on, until finally we go down to brass tacks.

Which proceeded as follows:

Click here for details )
quentincoyote: (Default)
So, this is the letter that I just sent to both of my parents... )

As in like, I sent it, it's sent. No taking it back now.

...

I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT I'M FREAKING OUT!!! :-P
quentincoyote: (Default)
Thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday the other day, I hope everyone is doing well. *hugs all*

And it was a good birthday, indeed! Among other things, Rex actually baked me a for real birthday cake all by himself. Like, with actual home made cake batter, baking, frosting it himself, the whole nine yards! I know I say this a lot lately, but I really am the luckiest coyote in the whole world. :)

So yeah, the weekend was good. And today, I went to go see Coraline with JimmyWolf, JD Puppy, and [livejournal.com profile] tabernak, a recent NYC furry transplant from Florida. Despite his questionable past associations, we deem him acceptable to be admitted into the local furry fold. ^.^ Nah, he was a cool guy, and we all had a fun time, I think. He's looking to meet new people in the area, so if you feel so inclined, I'm sure he would like it if any locals said hi, and I'm sure we'll see him at future furmeets from now on.

As for Coraline itself, though... WOW, that was totally amazing! Like, I figured it would be good, but I really wasn't expecting it to be THAT good! Wonderful! Exceptional! I really do think I want to see this one again at least once more before it leaves the theater, and I highly recommend - if you haven't seen it yet, go do so with all speed!

Anyway, that's about it for now. It's late, and I got to get me to bed. I know that there are a lot of folks out there still hurting from recent events. I hope you're all well out there, wherever you are, and I hope to see a lot of you again soon at FWA.

TTFN,
Q.
quentincoyote: (Default)

"You're my gold. Gold is hard to find, valuable, and it's shiny. It's so stable that it never rusts or tarnishes. But it's soft, and needs to be treated well and protected."

D'awwwwwww... *^.^*

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