How am I? [Part 2]
Dec. 10th, 2016 08:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quentincoyoteSo, I decided to move to California.
Rex had said to me, in some of our few post-break-up conversations, that he needed to "go on an adventure" to go find himself, basically. There was some tenuous fiction maintained for a period of time, that this was all part of some grand over-arching plan, that this was for Us, so that he could go become who he needed to be, in order to come back to me one day. By this I mean, these were not things that I made up in order to console myself, these are things that he actually said to me. Not that I didn't jump at the chance to believe it, for awhile. It was the only hope left that I had to cling to. And, maybe he even somehow meant it, at the time that he said it. Or, maybe it was just what he said to placate me the best that he could, while he went kay-bye. *shrugs* It doesn't matter anymore.
But, it was fucking insidious, you know? Doing that. It was actually way worse then just outright telling me we were done forever. Cause in this way, he still kept me strung along. I dunno why.. Available maybe, in case he changed his mind, or Atlanta didn't work out after all. But, it did not let me move on. It stabbed me in the heart for him cheating on me and running away with that guy in the first place... And then, it sliced open my stomach, pulled out all of my intestines, and strung them up in a tree with me dangling beneath it for ballast, for putting in me the idea that I should hold on. That this was for US. That if I were to now say no, go fuck yourself forever for doing this, then... it would be my fault that our story would not have a happy ending, and have us come together again. MINE! Are you fucking kidding me right now? Who the fuck would do that to someone that they supposedly loved?
And, who the fuck would believe that shit?
Hi. My name is Quentin.
I just slid my dick down your throat... And you thanked me for it.
...
Ok, well then I'll just sit down over here then, shall I, while you go... do.. that?
It took me almost a year of non-stop trying to... square.. that story.. And in the end, I just could not do it. I finally finally wised up to the bullshit that it was, bullshit regardless of whether he himself even believed it or not, and called it for what it was. He lied to me, he betrayed me, that was a line crossed that could never ever be crossed back to where we used to be anymore.. because, because of him and and all of this, that person that I was, back there when I was with him, does not exist anymore. I am now only me.
Figuring out again what that was, however... Whoo boy...
"Hi, how are you doing? {who are you?}"
Well, um, hmm... I'm a person who is/was something of a furry celebrity of prominence, more known than many, anyway, who projected an air of pridefullness and confidence, and who kinda tended to brag a lot, about how awesome my life was, and how happy I was. I mean, a part of that was the showmanship "give the people what they want" sort of thing, which I mentioned in part 1 - rubbing my dick in the face of the haters. But, for additionally having made my relationship so public as well, and incorporating it as a part of my cult of personality, then so too was the breakup chained to all of that, and laid bare for all the world to see. Just simply because there was a breakup, and how it happend, well... that kinda must put the lie to all those wonderful things that I used to say.
"I'm a foolish, prideful, gullible idiot, who cries every day now, and everything that I believed in was a lie... Hm? Oh, yes, thank you, I *can* see it in your eyes that you're at least glad that you're not me right now. Totally - I wish I wasn't me right now, either."
Fuck...
***
Hurr hurrrrr.. hmmm...
Oh, you'e gonna go on an Adventure, are you motherfucker? Yeah? Ok, well, you know what? That sounds just great! I'm not gonna sit on my ass wasting away here, I'm gonna go on a motherfucking adventure, too! BAM!
I will diminish, and go into the West.
And so it was then, that I started having the epiphanies about fixing the Story of my Story, and how to do that. I wrote the story about that, again linked in part 1. Finally, a year later after it actually happened, I got to start mourning my breakup proper, at last having truly acknowledged it. And, I decided to move to California. Making that decision was great, and really did for the first time in a long while, give me a sense of hope, and something to strive forward to. But, how to actually do that, that was still another matter. I did not want to do what a lot people did (and, kinda Rex himself did this too, for that matter) - just pick up on a whim and move with nothing, no foundation. I wanted to do it right, carefully, with planning and forethought. I wanted to have a job lined up, I wanted to have a place to live. I was accustomed to a certain level of lifestyle, back on the east coast. I was making more money than just about all of my friends that I knew (and so yes, there was a certain element of 'status' about that as well, with regards to the rest of the things I already said before, about my furry character. What can I say?) But also.. I wanted to be safe. I had just lost the person who was the closest, most important person in my life, who I'd thought was the *most* in my corner. At least he had his new guy, in Atlanta. If I did this thing, it would be totally alone, and on my own. Not knowing anybody, no one to help me.
(Yeah? You think you bad? Watch *this*, motherfucker! This is how this shit's done!)
I wanted to have enough money to do all of this, and still have a safety net, in case anything went wrong. And, that meant savings. Lots and lots of trying to keep savings.
Saving means not going out and doing a lot of things. Every extra thing you buy or trip you take, is that much farther back you're keeping yourself away from your end goal. Not taking trips, and buying things and doing things, however, is a great way to make yourself feel even more depressed. Especially when you're already hurting from a loss, and you're feeling awkward and alienated from your former social life. You go to work, come home, stay in your apartment, go to sleep, repeat. Every now and then you'll splurge on something, because you just fucking have to for your own sanity, and it's good in the moment, but you still kind of regret it later.
Other outlets had faltered, as well. The furmeets I had finally, after so long, already kind of let fall by the wayside, awhile before. At first, because of a break-in and robbery of our apartment, perpetrated as it turns out, by a once-friend, who we'd met and who started being there, through our open invite policy in the first place. I don't even want to get into all that anymore. But after all of this, I kind of just didn't feel up to having them anymore, anyway. I was no longer the smarmy but friendly, cheerful upbeat host. I just did not have it in me anymore.
And, I stopped writing of course. What else was there left to write about?
So, the next two years or so were very stagnant and depressing. No real outlets, not a lot of joy, certainly not by past standards. It is soooo... hard... when you are not where you want to be yet, but, you still cannot be anywhere other than where you are right then. You are Inbetween. You are Nowhere. Of course I did not have all the things of California that I wanted yet, but, also.. I started to feel like, anything else that I did on the east coast just.. wouldn't matter anymore. Make a new friend here? Why? What will it matter? You're just going to have to leave them soon anyway, and then you'll just be sad about that. Certainly, certainly don't try to start a new relationship, if the chance for it even arises. Cause then, you're either just going to leave them too, or you won't.. But, for not moving, you will have failed in your big life project that you set for yourself. You will give up and just do nothing, after all of that effort and talk. You will remain a failure in your own eyes, if nobody else's, and that will make you become no good for anyone, anyway. Plus you'll still be around all the old bad memories you were trying to get away from. It's just... Ugh, it sucks!
Two years like that. Fading, fading, fading down. The motor idle. The lights dimmed. They were, for the most part, very lonely and boring and the same, and so I will not spend very much time on them. Just a few things.
There are.. "news cycles" in regular life, just as much as there are in the News news. Celebrity fades, if it is not fed. People and paradigms and social media move on. Twitter eats Livejournal.
"Hi, I'm Quentin Coyote"
"Hmm, what? Sorry, never heard of you."
Hmm..! Interesting...
You know what..? This is a good thing though, actually. I'd been complaining about so many things that had been broken.. With this turn of events, I realized that maybe I could just simply slough them off entirely. That's what I wanted anyway, that's what I want! New life! Leave it all behind! Start over new..
***
"Ok, great! So, how are you doing? Who are you?"
"Uhhhhh... I don't know... I.. well, my boyfriend broke up with me.. and I'm moving to California! I uh... don't really have a whole lot more than that, yet.
"Oh.. Well, California sounds cool though! :) How long since you've been trying to do that?"
"Oh... A couple years now..."
Fuck...
***
So, two years of that. Not being Somewhere. Stuck being Nowhere. Trying to be Anywhere.
I did have one or two very short rebound relationships in there, but, that is what they were, I don't need to go into a soliloquy about what rebounds are, they were that. I hurt one or two people for it, that did not deserve to be hurt. And I am sorry. One person, who is still a very dear friend, did try to get with me during this time, very hard, and for a fairly long time. Even though he might have been very good for me if I had let him, I did not. Because, I did not feel good for anyone still yet, and I became absolutely terrified of doing that to him, too. It would have just killed me... Anyway, he is married now, to someone else. I love them both, and am very happy for them. I won't say that I don't know what I turned down, though...
Nowhere Man - The Beatles
There was another person during this time, Dexn, who, despite meeting me in... *this* state, rather than my prior glory, still took a liking to me, and I to him, though, the relationship was of a different character than what Rex and I had, or what my above friend wanted to give. There are different and even formalized forms for it in the Furry world, than what exists in most of the mainstream world. There may be non-furries that will read this, so, let's just say that it was more of a Mentor/Mentee kind of thing. But, that being said, in a lot of other respects, he became, for all practical purposes, my boyfriend for awhile. The total arc of this one was from late 2011 to, depending on how you recon it, May of 2015, but with a break of about a year in the middle, when I did move to California, and he stayed in NJ to be with someone else. So effectively, we were together, and then we broke up, and then we missed each other, and got back together again when he came out to California to be with me, and then, we realized that no, we were right to have broken up the first time. That's the very most bare bones summarization of it, though it was much more rich and complex than all that. But, I want to lay it all out here now, rather than break it up into the two parts that I would otherwise have to, later.
Suffice it to say, we were both very good for each other in ways, for a time. We both needed what we were to the other. He held me so many nights, when I was crying in bed over Mom, when that eventually happened.. Thank fucking god for him, I just don't even know what I would have done... But, we are on different journeys, want some pretty substantively different things out of life, and trying to force those two things to stick together, was just making us tear at each other too much. I still care for him a great deal, and I wish him nothing but happiness and success.
***
So, I'm still trying to save up to move to California. And then, my mother died.
I can't. I just can't. It's linked back in part one, and I cried my eyes out for two days writing it back then when I did.
...
"Heya, how are you, how's it going?"
"Well, uh... I'm a tired old beaten down furry has-been, who's boyfriend left him, and my mom just died, and I've been trying for two years to move to California, but I don't have enough money yet, and I can't seem to find a job out there no matter how hard I try, and I have no idea when the hell I actually can."
...
FUCK!!!
***
So yeah... aftermath aftermath aftermath later, from my mom passing, I do get a sizeable chunk of inheritance money, through the sale of my very same studio apartment that I used to live in, in Manhattan. (I would give it all back in an instant, in exchange for having my mom back, please thanks. No? Mm.) It was at least enough though, that... though certainly with fear about it and trepidation, I made the decision to go. Just go. GO GO FUCKING GO!!! I quit my job, said all my goodbyes, packed all my shit up and sent it over with a moving company, and made arrangements to stay for awhile with some friends of mine in their house in South San Franciso, at least long enough for me to get up on my own feet out there and settle in. I am immensely thankful to those friends for this too, I could not have done it without them.
So... After all this time... after two so very long, soul crushing years... I was finally free. On my way to my grand Adventure that I had conceived back in January 2011. The feeling was just... absolutely incredible.. So, so much just lifting up, falling away from my shoulders. So much more stuff, that I didn't even know was there, and could only now really see it, and start to understand it, for having its absence at last to compare things to. All of this stuff I wrote about those two years above? I mean, I knew it was bad, but, it was only now that I had the perspective to understand the sheer depth of it...
But now, it is just simply... (again, mom things very much aside... *wipes away tear...*) Gone... On my way now to California, with my cat Benny in tow!
Oh yes.. Have I not mentioned my cat Benny in this story, before now?
...
fuck...
But, we'll get to that...
***
***
***
CALIFORNIA, HERE I AM!!! :D
On June 29th 2013, in the wee hours of the morning, I boarded a plane in Newark, Benny in his cat bag with me, and off we headed to San Francisco! That particular flight was... beset with its own particular complications.. But, no matter! We're here, we did it! :D
When we landed at the airport, my friends Isaac (now Lucky) and Kane picked me up, and after briefly dropping Benny and my stuff off at the house, we all headed straight into the City and up to the Castro District, for the big Gay Pride block party. Did I mention it was Gay Pride weekend? Yeah, damn skippy it was! How ya like that for an entrance?! :D Straight off the plane, right up to SF Castro gay pride, rainbow flags everywhere, happy awesome energy throughout (and mmm mmm, what nice eye candy!) And oh yeah, we get off of the Bart train to go there, get back above ground, and what do I see when I look up right above me? We are standing in front of a little mexican taqueria named... are you ready for this? Taqueria los Coyotes!
TAQUERIA LOS COYOTES!!! :D :D :D
Do you feel me? Can you dig it? How fucking awesome is that?? :D
Coyote tacos are best tacos
And fucking A yes, you'd better believe that we came back and ate there at some point, and I love it, that place is great! But meanwhile before that, we went to some coffee place, met up with a whole bunch of the other local furs there. (OMG! New people! And it can actually matter if I meet them, and become friends with them, cause this is my home now, these are my new homies! :D) And so we do that, and it's a total blast, and then we all wander further up in a big group up to the Castro party proper, and there's just thousands and thousands of people and music and everything! And I look halfway down the street, and I see this bar there, and it's fucking called the Q Bar...
THE Q BAR!!! :D
Oh man, you knew I was coming, and you gave me my own bar? Aw thanks guys, I love you, you shouldn't have! :D
Oh yes..
And, this bar is right next to a pizza place called... Escape From New York Pizza...
...
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! XD XD
*wipes laughing tear away* But yeah, oh man... It was all just so incredible! What an amazing time. And, I did it! I made it here! I can still do things! :D
***
The next several months were kind of a whirlwind of just one new amazing adventure after another, after another. I made the rounds of all the various different furry social groups and events. Went to Chicken, went to Bowling, the Furries in the Wild rave picnic up in the Oakland woodland hills. Went to Half Moon Bay, and the ocean. (Spoilers by the way, the beaches in SF are.. not warm, lol. Nobody warned me about, and I did not expect that. I had pictured all these scenes of rolling waves and surfer dudes and all of that, but, that stuff is apparently all down in Socal. So, when I showed up for the first time in swim trunks and short sleeves, and everyone else around me is wearing sweaters, that was a little awkward.. and chilly, lol. But, s'all good. It's still very pretty, and I've learned to roll with it. (The Bay's "micro climates", a term I had never heard before, are pretty fascinating actually.)
West. Side.
Oh yeah! Also, very shortly after I landed, as it turned out, there was this major heatwave all across the whole country. Checking twitter, everybody from everywhere was complaining about how sweltering it was, how they were just dying if they stepped outside from their air conditioners. Everywhere that is, except for one place... Someone posted a picture of a heat map for a particular day at that time, for the whole country. This was like, literally just after I'd gotten here.
And, here it is:
Mmmm... My favorite temperature... ^.^
Hehehe... I posted that, and all my friends back East were all like, "Augh, FUCK! YOUUUUUUUUU!!" Lol...
But yes.. More things! Went to Napa Valley, got into a bunch of wine tasting stuff.. Drove all the way up through the red wood forests. Went up to Eureka one time, to drop off Benny for while, with a friend there who agreed to take him in for awhile until I got my own place, since the place where I was living in South City didn't technically allow pets. On my way back down, I totally found that place where they have the giant living redwood tree that you can drive your car through! I'd heard about that thing since I was a little kid, and here I was actually driving through it! :D
Oh yeah! That's the other thing, with some of the money from the apartment sale, I bought myself a new car! I had not owned a car in the last, like, 18 years. Never really needed one, and in fact, they are kind of a hindrance when living in NYC proper. And the subway system gets you pretty much anywhere that you want to be.. As long as where you want to be is in the city. Going afield of there was not very easy for me.. And, that was another thing that made me feel kind of isolated, in those last two years. But now, I could go anywhere that I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn't care, I would drive 5 - 6 hours, just to see some new person place or thing! Total Freedom! It was wonderful... Many days, I would just pull out google maps satellite view, look over the whole bay area for some land mark that look interesting, and just drive out there to see what was there.
Other days, I would just simply walk around our own neighborhood, and just... revel in everything. I mean seriously, just look how beautiful this is! This was all right outside my house!
***
So yeah... total honeymoon period. Everything that I had wanted, everything that I dreamed it would be. Beautiful and happy. Thrilling! Serene. At peace.
I even fairly quickly found a new boyfriend for awhile. Only lasted about three months, but it was very passionate and intense. Had a bunch more adventures with him, too. Went camping by the ocean one weekend. Had to do this whole long two hour trek in, carrying all of our stuff. Set up camp right in this protected alcove around the bend from the ocean, barbecued our own food, slept under the stars, and made even more new good friends, who are still so to this day.
He was a little bit crazy though, and, after not too long, I realized that I needed to slow down an probably put the kibosh on this, for my own good. I know that I'm finally in my Xanadu now, but, I do need to keep an ear to the ground of reality. After the mini honeymoon of him, within my larger honeymoon, some large pools of darkness within him became apparent to me, and he was starting to drag me mentally to some bad places. And so, still highly alert and sensitive to not wanting to fall back into the kinds of mental abyss I'd been in back east, I broke up with him. And, the usual bits of fallout from that kind of thing, ensued. But, nothing too major that I wasn't able to recover from pretty quickly on my side, anyway. Yes, of course, I know that it's easier for me to say that, being the one doing the breaking up, that time. But, there it is. There were definitely some good times there though, and I don't regret the experience.
***
Oh. Oh yeah! "Hey, by the way, how are you, how are you doing?"
"Hmmm.. You know what? Fucking great! :D I moved myself all the way here to California to start a new life, and I've already had all these adventures, and I fucking love it! :D"
Hey, alright...! That's pretty great, actually. Definitely a major improvement!
***
So yes! Definitely good stuff. So alright, cool, savor this for awhile, just let it flow over you, run with it and be at peace... But then... once you've taken these moments for yourself.. You do still need to get back to the reality of finding work, getting your own place to live, and really planting substantial roots here, to make all of this permanent. Time to find an apartment, and time to actually get yourself a job. Remember, you still had a hard time doing that, when you were back east. Should hopefully be easier, now that you can just go to a place on a moment's notice for an interview.. But yeah.. Now you really fucking need to make this stick...
And here, we will end for now on Part 2, and continue on to all of that stuff, next time...
Rex had said to me, in some of our few post-break-up conversations, that he needed to "go on an adventure" to go find himself, basically. There was some tenuous fiction maintained for a period of time, that this was all part of some grand over-arching plan, that this was for Us, so that he could go become who he needed to be, in order to come back to me one day. By this I mean, these were not things that I made up in order to console myself, these are things that he actually said to me. Not that I didn't jump at the chance to believe it, for awhile. It was the only hope left that I had to cling to. And, maybe he even somehow meant it, at the time that he said it. Or, maybe it was just what he said to placate me the best that he could, while he went kay-bye. *shrugs* It doesn't matter anymore.
But, it was fucking insidious, you know? Doing that. It was actually way worse then just outright telling me we were done forever. Cause in this way, he still kept me strung along. I dunno why.. Available maybe, in case he changed his mind, or Atlanta didn't work out after all. But, it did not let me move on. It stabbed me in the heart for him cheating on me and running away with that guy in the first place... And then, it sliced open my stomach, pulled out all of my intestines, and strung them up in a tree with me dangling beneath it for ballast, for putting in me the idea that I should hold on. That this was for US. That if I were to now say no, go fuck yourself forever for doing this, then... it would be my fault that our story would not have a happy ending, and have us come together again. MINE! Are you fucking kidding me right now? Who the fuck would do that to someone that they supposedly loved?
And, who the fuck would believe that shit?
Hi. My name is Quentin.
I just slid my dick down your throat... And you thanked me for it.
...
Ok, well then I'll just sit down over here then, shall I, while you go... do.. that?
It took me almost a year of non-stop trying to... square.. that story.. And in the end, I just could not do it. I finally finally wised up to the bullshit that it was, bullshit regardless of whether he himself even believed it or not, and called it for what it was. He lied to me, he betrayed me, that was a line crossed that could never ever be crossed back to where we used to be anymore.. because, because of him and and all of this, that person that I was, back there when I was with him, does not exist anymore. I am now only me.
Figuring out again what that was, however... Whoo boy...
"Hi, how are you doing? {who are you?}"
Well, um, hmm... I'm a person who is/was something of a furry celebrity of prominence, more known than many, anyway, who projected an air of pridefullness and confidence, and who kinda tended to brag a lot, about how awesome my life was, and how happy I was. I mean, a part of that was the showmanship "give the people what they want" sort of thing, which I mentioned in part 1 - rubbing my dick in the face of the haters. But, for additionally having made my relationship so public as well, and incorporating it as a part of my cult of personality, then so too was the breakup chained to all of that, and laid bare for all the world to see. Just simply because there was a breakup, and how it happend, well... that kinda must put the lie to all those wonderful things that I used to say.
"I'm a foolish, prideful, gullible idiot, who cries every day now, and everything that I believed in was a lie... Hm? Oh, yes, thank you, I *can* see it in your eyes that you're at least glad that you're not me right now. Totally - I wish I wasn't me right now, either."
Fuck...
***
Hurr hurrrrr.. hmmm...
Oh, you'e gonna go on an Adventure, are you motherfucker? Yeah? Ok, well, you know what? That sounds just great! I'm not gonna sit on my ass wasting away here, I'm gonna go on a motherfucking adventure, too! BAM!
I will diminish, and go into the West.
And so it was then, that I started having the epiphanies about fixing the Story of my Story, and how to do that. I wrote the story about that, again linked in part 1. Finally, a year later after it actually happened, I got to start mourning my breakup proper, at last having truly acknowledged it. And, I decided to move to California. Making that decision was great, and really did for the first time in a long while, give me a sense of hope, and something to strive forward to. But, how to actually do that, that was still another matter. I did not want to do what a lot people did (and, kinda Rex himself did this too, for that matter) - just pick up on a whim and move with nothing, no foundation. I wanted to do it right, carefully, with planning and forethought. I wanted to have a job lined up, I wanted to have a place to live. I was accustomed to a certain level of lifestyle, back on the east coast. I was making more money than just about all of my friends that I knew (and so yes, there was a certain element of 'status' about that as well, with regards to the rest of the things I already said before, about my furry character. What can I say?) But also.. I wanted to be safe. I had just lost the person who was the closest, most important person in my life, who I'd thought was the *most* in my corner. At least he had his new guy, in Atlanta. If I did this thing, it would be totally alone, and on my own. Not knowing anybody, no one to help me.
(Yeah? You think you bad? Watch *this*, motherfucker! This is how this shit's done!)
I wanted to have enough money to do all of this, and still have a safety net, in case anything went wrong. And, that meant savings. Lots and lots of trying to keep savings.
Saving means not going out and doing a lot of things. Every extra thing you buy or trip you take, is that much farther back you're keeping yourself away from your end goal. Not taking trips, and buying things and doing things, however, is a great way to make yourself feel even more depressed. Especially when you're already hurting from a loss, and you're feeling awkward and alienated from your former social life. You go to work, come home, stay in your apartment, go to sleep, repeat. Every now and then you'll splurge on something, because you just fucking have to for your own sanity, and it's good in the moment, but you still kind of regret it later.
Other outlets had faltered, as well. The furmeets I had finally, after so long, already kind of let fall by the wayside, awhile before. At first, because of a break-in and robbery of our apartment, perpetrated as it turns out, by a once-friend, who we'd met and who started being there, through our open invite policy in the first place. I don't even want to get into all that anymore. But after all of this, I kind of just didn't feel up to having them anymore, anyway. I was no longer the smarmy but friendly, cheerful upbeat host. I just did not have it in me anymore.
And, I stopped writing of course. What else was there left to write about?
So, the next two years or so were very stagnant and depressing. No real outlets, not a lot of joy, certainly not by past standards. It is soooo... hard... when you are not where you want to be yet, but, you still cannot be anywhere other than where you are right then. You are Inbetween. You are Nowhere. Of course I did not have all the things of California that I wanted yet, but, also.. I started to feel like, anything else that I did on the east coast just.. wouldn't matter anymore. Make a new friend here? Why? What will it matter? You're just going to have to leave them soon anyway, and then you'll just be sad about that. Certainly, certainly don't try to start a new relationship, if the chance for it even arises. Cause then, you're either just going to leave them too, or you won't.. But, for not moving, you will have failed in your big life project that you set for yourself. You will give up and just do nothing, after all of that effort and talk. You will remain a failure in your own eyes, if nobody else's, and that will make you become no good for anyone, anyway. Plus you'll still be around all the old bad memories you were trying to get away from. It's just... Ugh, it sucks!
Two years like that. Fading, fading, fading down. The motor idle. The lights dimmed. They were, for the most part, very lonely and boring and the same, and so I will not spend very much time on them. Just a few things.
There are.. "news cycles" in regular life, just as much as there are in the News news. Celebrity fades, if it is not fed. People and paradigms and social media move on. Twitter eats Livejournal.
"Hi, I'm Quentin Coyote"
"Hmm, what? Sorry, never heard of you."
Hmm..! Interesting...
You know what..? This is a good thing though, actually. I'd been complaining about so many things that had been broken.. With this turn of events, I realized that maybe I could just simply slough them off entirely. That's what I wanted anyway, that's what I want! New life! Leave it all behind! Start over new..
***
"Ok, great! So, how are you doing? Who are you?"
"Uhhhhh... I don't know... I.. well, my boyfriend broke up with me.. and I'm moving to California! I uh... don't really have a whole lot more than that, yet.
"Oh.. Well, California sounds cool though! :) How long since you've been trying to do that?"
"Oh... A couple years now..."
Fuck...
***
So, two years of that. Not being Somewhere. Stuck being Nowhere. Trying to be Anywhere.
I did have one or two very short rebound relationships in there, but, that is what they were, I don't need to go into a soliloquy about what rebounds are, they were that. I hurt one or two people for it, that did not deserve to be hurt. And I am sorry. One person, who is still a very dear friend, did try to get with me during this time, very hard, and for a fairly long time. Even though he might have been very good for me if I had let him, I did not. Because, I did not feel good for anyone still yet, and I became absolutely terrified of doing that to him, too. It would have just killed me... Anyway, he is married now, to someone else. I love them both, and am very happy for them. I won't say that I don't know what I turned down, though...
There was another person during this time, Dexn, who, despite meeting me in... *this* state, rather than my prior glory, still took a liking to me, and I to him, though, the relationship was of a different character than what Rex and I had, or what my above friend wanted to give. There are different and even formalized forms for it in the Furry world, than what exists in most of the mainstream world. There may be non-furries that will read this, so, let's just say that it was more of a Mentor/Mentee kind of thing. But, that being said, in a lot of other respects, he became, for all practical purposes, my boyfriend for awhile. The total arc of this one was from late 2011 to, depending on how you recon it, May of 2015, but with a break of about a year in the middle, when I did move to California, and he stayed in NJ to be with someone else. So effectively, we were together, and then we broke up, and then we missed each other, and got back together again when he came out to California to be with me, and then, we realized that no, we were right to have broken up the first time. That's the very most bare bones summarization of it, though it was much more rich and complex than all that. But, I want to lay it all out here now, rather than break it up into the two parts that I would otherwise have to, later.
Suffice it to say, we were both very good for each other in ways, for a time. We both needed what we were to the other. He held me so many nights, when I was crying in bed over Mom, when that eventually happened.. Thank fucking god for him, I just don't even know what I would have done... But, we are on different journeys, want some pretty substantively different things out of life, and trying to force those two things to stick together, was just making us tear at each other too much. I still care for him a great deal, and I wish him nothing but happiness and success.
***
So, I'm still trying to save up to move to California. And then, my mother died.
I can't. I just can't. It's linked back in part one, and I cried my eyes out for two days writing it back then when I did.
...
"Heya, how are you, how's it going?"
"Well, uh... I'm a tired old beaten down furry has-been, who's boyfriend left him, and my mom just died, and I've been trying for two years to move to California, but I don't have enough money yet, and I can't seem to find a job out there no matter how hard I try, and I have no idea when the hell I actually can."
...
FUCK!!!
***
So yeah... aftermath aftermath aftermath later, from my mom passing, I do get a sizeable chunk of inheritance money, through the sale of my very same studio apartment that I used to live in, in Manhattan. (I would give it all back in an instant, in exchange for having my mom back, please thanks. No? Mm.) It was at least enough though, that... though certainly with fear about it and trepidation, I made the decision to go. Just go. GO GO FUCKING GO!!! I quit my job, said all my goodbyes, packed all my shit up and sent it over with a moving company, and made arrangements to stay for awhile with some friends of mine in their house in South San Franciso, at least long enough for me to get up on my own feet out there and settle in. I am immensely thankful to those friends for this too, I could not have done it without them.
So... After all this time... after two so very long, soul crushing years... I was finally free. On my way to my grand Adventure that I had conceived back in January 2011. The feeling was just... absolutely incredible.. So, so much just lifting up, falling away from my shoulders. So much more stuff, that I didn't even know was there, and could only now really see it, and start to understand it, for having its absence at last to compare things to. All of this stuff I wrote about those two years above? I mean, I knew it was bad, but, it was only now that I had the perspective to understand the sheer depth of it...
But now, it is just simply... (again, mom things very much aside... *wipes away tear...*) Gone... On my way now to California, with my cat Benny in tow!
Oh yes.. Have I not mentioned my cat Benny in this story, before now?
...
fuck...
But, we'll get to that...
***
***
***
CALIFORNIA, HERE I AM!!! :D
On June 29th 2013, in the wee hours of the morning, I boarded a plane in Newark, Benny in his cat bag with me, and off we headed to San Francisco! That particular flight was... beset with its own particular complications.. But, no matter! We're here, we did it! :D
When we landed at the airport, my friends Isaac (now Lucky) and Kane picked me up, and after briefly dropping Benny and my stuff off at the house, we all headed straight into the City and up to the Castro District, for the big Gay Pride block party. Did I mention it was Gay Pride weekend? Yeah, damn skippy it was! How ya like that for an entrance?! :D Straight off the plane, right up to SF Castro gay pride, rainbow flags everywhere, happy awesome energy throughout (and mmm mmm, what nice eye candy!) And oh yeah, we get off of the Bart train to go there, get back above ground, and what do I see when I look up right above me? We are standing in front of a little mexican taqueria named... are you ready for this? Taqueria los Coyotes!
TAQUERIA LOS COYOTES!!! :D :D :D
Do you feel me? Can you dig it? How fucking awesome is that?? :D
Coyote tacos are best tacos
And fucking A yes, you'd better believe that we came back and ate there at some point, and I love it, that place is great! But meanwhile before that, we went to some coffee place, met up with a whole bunch of the other local furs there. (OMG! New people! And it can actually matter if I meet them, and become friends with them, cause this is my home now, these are my new homies! :D) And so we do that, and it's a total blast, and then we all wander further up in a big group up to the Castro party proper, and there's just thousands and thousands of people and music and everything! And I look halfway down the street, and I see this bar there, and it's fucking called the Q Bar...
THE Q BAR!!! :D
Oh man, you knew I was coming, and you gave me my own bar? Aw thanks guys, I love you, you shouldn't have! :D
Oh yes..
And, this bar is right next to a pizza place called... Escape From New York Pizza...
...
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! XD XD
*wipes laughing tear away* But yeah, oh man... It was all just so incredible! What an amazing time. And, I did it! I made it here! I can still do things! :D
***
The next several months were kind of a whirlwind of just one new amazing adventure after another, after another. I made the rounds of all the various different furry social groups and events. Went to Chicken, went to Bowling, the Furries in the Wild rave picnic up in the Oakland woodland hills. Went to Half Moon Bay, and the ocean. (Spoilers by the way, the beaches in SF are.. not warm, lol. Nobody warned me about, and I did not expect that. I had pictured all these scenes of rolling waves and surfer dudes and all of that, but, that stuff is apparently all down in Socal. So, when I showed up for the first time in swim trunks and short sleeves, and everyone else around me is wearing sweaters, that was a little awkward.. and chilly, lol. But, s'all good. It's still very pretty, and I've learned to roll with it. (The Bay's "micro climates", a term I had never heard before, are pretty fascinating actually.)
West. Side.
Oh yeah! Also, very shortly after I landed, as it turned out, there was this major heatwave all across the whole country. Checking twitter, everybody from everywhere was complaining about how sweltering it was, how they were just dying if they stepped outside from their air conditioners. Everywhere that is, except for one place... Someone posted a picture of a heat map for a particular day at that time, for the whole country. This was like, literally just after I'd gotten here.
And, here it is:
Mmmm... My favorite temperature... ^.^
Hehehe... I posted that, and all my friends back East were all like, "Augh, FUCK! YOUUUUUUUUU!!" Lol...
But yes.. More things! Went to Napa Valley, got into a bunch of wine tasting stuff.. Drove all the way up through the red wood forests. Went up to Eureka one time, to drop off Benny for while, with a friend there who agreed to take him in for awhile until I got my own place, since the place where I was living in South City didn't technically allow pets. On my way back down, I totally found that place where they have the giant living redwood tree that you can drive your car through! I'd heard about that thing since I was a little kid, and here I was actually driving through it! :D
Oh yeah! That's the other thing, with some of the money from the apartment sale, I bought myself a new car! I had not owned a car in the last, like, 18 years. Never really needed one, and in fact, they are kind of a hindrance when living in NYC proper. And the subway system gets you pretty much anywhere that you want to be.. As long as where you want to be is in the city. Going afield of there was not very easy for me.. And, that was another thing that made me feel kind of isolated, in those last two years. But now, I could go anywhere that I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn't care, I would drive 5 - 6 hours, just to see some new person place or thing! Total Freedom! It was wonderful... Many days, I would just pull out google maps satellite view, look over the whole bay area for some land mark that look interesting, and just drive out there to see what was there.
Other days, I would just simply walk around our own neighborhood, and just... revel in everything. I mean seriously, just look how beautiful this is! This was all right outside my house!
***
So yeah... total honeymoon period. Everything that I had wanted, everything that I dreamed it would be. Beautiful and happy. Thrilling! Serene. At peace.
I even fairly quickly found a new boyfriend for awhile. Only lasted about three months, but it was very passionate and intense. Had a bunch more adventures with him, too. Went camping by the ocean one weekend. Had to do this whole long two hour trek in, carrying all of our stuff. Set up camp right in this protected alcove around the bend from the ocean, barbecued our own food, slept under the stars, and made even more new good friends, who are still so to this day.
He was a little bit crazy though, and, after not too long, I realized that I needed to slow down an probably put the kibosh on this, for my own good. I know that I'm finally in my Xanadu now, but, I do need to keep an ear to the ground of reality. After the mini honeymoon of him, within my larger honeymoon, some large pools of darkness within him became apparent to me, and he was starting to drag me mentally to some bad places. And so, still highly alert and sensitive to not wanting to fall back into the kinds of mental abyss I'd been in back east, I broke up with him. And, the usual bits of fallout from that kind of thing, ensued. But, nothing too major that I wasn't able to recover from pretty quickly on my side, anyway. Yes, of course, I know that it's easier for me to say that, being the one doing the breaking up, that time. But, there it is. There were definitely some good times there though, and I don't regret the experience.
***
Oh. Oh yeah! "Hey, by the way, how are you, how are you doing?"
"Hmmm.. You know what? Fucking great! :D I moved myself all the way here to California to start a new life, and I've already had all these adventures, and I fucking love it! :D"
Hey, alright...! That's pretty great, actually. Definitely a major improvement!
***
So yes! Definitely good stuff. So alright, cool, savor this for awhile, just let it flow over you, run with it and be at peace... But then... once you've taken these moments for yourself.. You do still need to get back to the reality of finding work, getting your own place to live, and really planting substantial roots here, to make all of this permanent. Time to find an apartment, and time to actually get yourself a job. Remember, you still had a hard time doing that, when you were back east. Should hopefully be easier, now that you can just go to a place on a moment's notice for an interview.. But yeah.. Now you really fucking need to make this stick...
And here, we will end for now on Part 2, and continue on to all of that stuff, next time...
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