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[personal profile] quentincoyote
So day two for me in the Bay now, and I just want to try to get out a few thoughts of where I'm at now.

The folks back east, and/or that I've known in general for a long time, know what a big deal this move has been for me, and for how long. Been a day dream since about '04, but been a singular focus since '10. I won't belabor that too much anymore here cause, I have for such a long time, and, that's in the past now! The move is... done. *laughs* Wow, the fact that I can actually say that for real is so mind blowing to me and it's still just sinking in.

Suffice to say that, yeah, it's huge.

But I want to talk a little bit more about some moments and things going through my mind, while I was actually on the flight over here yesterday morning. This move has been, for several years, the thing that I strove for, the Future, That Thing that kept me going through some pretty dark times of the past.

Lol... the irony is, it can be pretty damn scary, when you actually finally do achieve something like that, that you've been reaching for for so long. Cause it's like, what if it's not what you thought it would be? What if it's just the same, or a step backwards, from whatever was before? And what else do I do with myself now, now that I finally "grabbed the brass ring"?

So I had some moments of quiet freakout in my own mind, in the five hours it took to fly from NYC to SF yeserday. I'd gotten up at 4 am to get to the airport, after really not having slept at all anyway, cause I was so wired up about everything. I said some last, Poignant Things, to my dad, on the drive to the airport. Just in case, somehow god forbid, I never get the chance again. (For those who are new to meeting me, my mom passed away this passed September. We don't have to get into it again now, but... it was bad. I wrote about it in a story submission here a couple of months ago, ("Release"). Anyway, so that stuff's going through my head. And then I'm at the airport, and I have my cat Benny with me in his carrier, and getting through all the checkpoints and what not with him was a freaking traumatic nightmare for him, and thus for me.

And THEN... finally on the airplane itself, I am sat in the window seat, and trapped there by this non-english speaking asian lady, and her like 2 year old child, who would not stop screaming and kicking and throwing things and banging his toys on the tray table, and carrying on this way the ENTIRE length of the trip. And, he would push both of his feet hard against my leg, and go STAMP STAMP STAMP STAMP with both of them against me as hard as he could... And... the fucking mother... didn't do anything about it at all, whatsoever. Didn't look at me, didn't say she was sorry (or try to pantomime whatever equivalent) didn't acknowledge my existence at all, just thought that her hellspawn was about the cutest thing ever and could do no wrong, and how could anyone else possibly thing otherwise either?

And I've got my cat on the floor at my feet, and I'm also at times having to, *my-fucking-self*, prevent this kid from stepping or falling on Benny's cat bag. -.-

And this is all happening, and I'm looking at the mother, and in my head I'm just like... really? REALLY? Are you really fucking kidding me lady? And in a more upwards direction, I'm going really? REALLY, Space Coyote? *This* is gonna be the experience that you subject me to, in what is supposed to be the happiest day of my recent life? I'm supposed to be sitting in my seat with a big shit eating grin on my face, and so happy for being on this plane, and so proud of myself for finally making it happen. Not, never, no way... *THIS* other bullshit, instead. The reality of the moment did not, shall we say, match the fantasy, whatsoever. Eventually, after being kicked in this way multiple times, I addressed the mom directly, and asked her to please keep his feet off of me. This succeeded in getting her to remove them *that* particular time. Not the next and the next and the next when he did it again. Finally, through it's presumably horrible decorum to take such matters into your own hands in any normal situation like this, I just started brusquely shoving his feet off of my leg *myself* whenever he would do it from that point, and that seemed to get the mom to sort of start to get it. If you're really not gonna do it lady, then I sure as fucking will.

Anyway.

So it is in this state of affairs that I proceeded across the country for five hours, *trapped*, leaving everyone and everything that I know behind, and I'm tired and miserable as fuck, I haven't slept in god knows how long, and I'm scared that my cat is not gonna surive all this, how could I do this to him, much less me, and I quit my stable, secure job, my *career* that I've had on the east coast for all these years, and my "project" for my future, the parts that I've known how to do anyway, are over now, and I maybe I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing from here on out, now I'm totaly winging it, and maybe it's gonna crash and burn... And I'm thinking back, to all of those months and years before, back in time, dreaming of this then future moment, when I will have finally succeded and been on my way the bay. And those fantasy day dreams were of course *nothing* like this hellish actual reality.

Maybe it will *all* be like this. That was all dream and fantasy, and this is the real fucking world, where dreams to not come true, and people die alone in the ditch. I have ruined my fucking life... *crying... fucking CRYING to myself for much of that plane ride. *THIS* plane ride, the one taking me to the bay...*

***

So. All that stuff is past too now, and water under the bridge. I bring it up in such excruciating detail here now, only for this reason...

So that, by juxtaposition, I can exclaim to you all how ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL AND GENEROUS AND KIND AND TERRIFIC that every one of you over here has been to me so far!!! Really, I just cannot thank you enough - once I actually got off that fucking plane and have been here among you, every moment has just been magical, and as good or beyond anything that I could have ever hoped for. I've just been so happy, and cared for and looked after, newly befriended with open arms.. You guys in the bay have been just simply amazing, and I cannot thank you enough! *HUGS ALL!!!* And I so look forward to meeting more of you and to getting to know you all better, and taking part in all of the amazing things that are going on here all the time.

I'm here now, I'v finally made it Home. And, it really has been feeling like the home that I always dreamed it would be.

The project is not over, I've still got a long journey ahead, and a lot of stuff do now, to more fully establish myself here for real, in the way that I need to be. But, I know that I really can do it, after all... And it's because YOU guys are here with me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, and, I'm so looking forward to keeping on getting to know you. Thank you for welcoming me home! :D

Oh yes, and also Benny as well, who has been happily purring on the couch here the whole time, and if nothing has even happened at all.

<3 <3 <3!
Quentin

Date: 2013-07-01 05:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] twigmouse.livejournal.com
Great to hear you made that move! The first few paragraphs that you wrote are VERY familiar to me. I went through exactly that when I finally got approved for my PR visa to live in Australia. Now, 3.5yrs on I'm starting to consider moving to the Bay myself, and with the fall of DOMA, I could actually bring my partner with me!

Thankfully, my (somewhat longer) flight to Sydney wasn't nearly as painful as yours seems to have been. But what's a matter of hours to such a momentous event?

Congrats! Glad to hear you and your feline are settling in.

Date: 2013-07-02 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quentincoyote.livejournal.com
thank you muchly! *hugs*

Date: 2013-07-01 07:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ferdiaferlin.livejournal.com
I am so glad you are happy there. I certainly have been the situation myself where I have wondered..."did I make the right choice?" In particular when I gave up a tenured college position to go to another college. It can be quite scary, taking that hesitant step and hoping that is was not a huge mistake.

Date: 2013-07-01 10:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bosn.livejournal.com
I didnt even know you where making the cross over! great to have you on the fruit loop side of the country. :) I really am looking forward to meeting you someday. Is this change permanent?

Date: 2013-07-02 07:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quentincoyote.livejournal.com
Yes, will be nice to meet you finally too. :) If it doesn't happen by random, I am ok with arranging a time to make it happen on purpose. And yes, it is permanent! :D

Date: 2013-07-01 12:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dexter-fox.livejournal.com
Glad to see you closer. Sorry about the kid.

Date: 2013-07-02 07:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quentincoyote.livejournal.com
Thanks fox, great to be here! I will have to make it down to LA sometime!

Date: 2013-07-01 02:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freakylynx.livejournal.com
If you really want to take a lesson out of the flight out to the bay it may be that even under the best of conditions you have to stick up for yourself and fight for your own comfort and health, those around you can't be assumed to carry any sort of common sense or etiquette. Just following the currents in life will have you bump up against rocks every so often; it's not easy but steering your own path and working towards to your own goals and self-interests makes it worth the trouble, to do otherwise is to rely on the whims of the universe and a one sided good grace of those around you. Maybe Space Coyote is trying to tell you he's more than happy to take credit for the good things in your life but either way, you're on your own for making it happen :P

Take care in your new location, post pics! ;)

Date: 2013-07-02 07:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quentincoyote.livejournal.com
I believe I can agree with all of that.

Thanks, and will do! :)

Date: 2013-07-01 04:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sabotlours.livejournal.com
So you finally made the big move. Congats! Keep us informed of your progress as you settle into your new life.

Date: 2013-07-02 07:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quentincoyote.livejournal.com
Thanks bear, will do! *hugs* Would love to see you guys down in new mexico again sometime too. :)

Date: 2013-07-01 05:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lupine52.livejournal.com
Curious, so you mentioned a bringing a cat carrier, but on a plane you can't really take a whole lot, maybe a few suitcases of stuff with you, so does that mean that you had to leave a bit of your life back behind in your nice apartment/condo in NYC and are going out to SF bay area with a couple suitcases of stuff or are you continuing to keep a real estate property in NYC which others you have a connection with currently inhabit?

In any event enjoy your new life out in California, hope it goes well for you.

Date: 2013-07-02 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quentincoyote.livejournal.com
Benny was my carry on, and I had a checked bag. The rest of my stuff was brought over by a moving company yesterday.

Thank ya thank ya!

Date: 2013-07-01 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bronxelf-ag001.livejournal.com
I love you no matter where you live, Quentin. Kiss Benny for me.

Date: 2013-07-02 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quentincoyote.livejournal.com
Love you too, dear. Benny says hi. :) *hugs*

Date: 2013-07-02 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mazaskaneko.livejournal.com
yay sf welcome home yote!

Date: 2013-07-06 03:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] porsupah.livejournal.com
Oh, wow! I recall you mentioning you were hankering to get out to the Bay, way back when v.21 dinosaurs roamed the Earth. It's absolutely wonderful to see you've managed to make it happen!

There's so much to like about the Bay. ^_^ Okay, rents aren't amongst them, but hey, the wages make up for it.

Of course, I'm still left wondering if we'll meet at the Great British Beer Festival, coming along in August. Just one little flight away!

*hug* It's so good to hear from you again!
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