Jun. 30th, 2013

quentincoyote: (Default)
So day two for me in the Bay now, and I just want to try to get out a few thoughts of where I'm at now.

The folks back east, and/or that I've known in general for a long time, know what a big deal this move has been for me, and for how long. Been a day dream since about '04, but been a singular focus since '10. I won't belabor that too much anymore here cause, I have for such a long time, and, that's in the past now! The move is... done. *laughs* Wow, the fact that I can actually say that for real is so mind blowing to me and it's still just sinking in.

Suffice to say that, yeah, it's huge.

But I want to talk a little bit more about some moments and things going through my mind, while I was actually on the flight over here yesterday morning. This move has been, for several years, the thing that I strove for, the Future, That Thing that kept me going through some pretty dark times of the past.

Lol... the irony is, it can be pretty damn scary, when you actually finally do achieve something like that, that you've been reaching for for so long. Cause it's like, what if it's not what you thought it would be? What if it's just the same, or a step backwards, from whatever was before? And what else do I do with myself now, now that I finally "grabbed the brass ring"?

So I had some moments of quiet freakout in my own mind, in the five hours it took to fly from NYC to SF yeserday. I'd gotten up at 4 am to get to the airport, after really not having slept at all anyway, cause I was so wired up about everything. I said some last, Poignant Things, to my dad, on the drive to the airport. Just in case, somehow god forbid, I never get the chance again. (For those who are new to meeting me, my mom passed away this passed September. We don't have to get into it again now, but... it was bad. I wrote about it in a story submission here a couple of months ago, ("Release"). Anyway, so that stuff's going through my head. And then I'm at the airport, and I have my cat Benny with me in his carrier, and getting through all the checkpoints and what not with him was a freaking traumatic nightmare for him, and thus for me.

And THEN... finally on the airplane itself, I am sat in the window seat, and trapped there by this non-english speaking asian lady, and her like 2 year old child, who would not stop screaming and kicking and throwing things and banging his toys on the tray table, and carrying on this way the ENTIRE length of the trip. And, he would push both of his feet hard against my leg, and go STAMP STAMP STAMP STAMP with both of them against me as hard as he could... And... the fucking mother... didn't do anything about it at all, whatsoever. Didn't look at me, didn't say she was sorry (or try to pantomime whatever equivalent) didn't acknowledge my existence at all, just thought that her hellspawn was about the cutest thing ever and could do no wrong, and how could anyone else possibly thing otherwise either?

And I've got my cat on the floor at my feet, and I'm also at times having to, *my-fucking-self*, prevent this kid from stepping or falling on Benny's cat bag. -.-

And this is all happening, and I'm looking at the mother, and in my head I'm just like... really? REALLY? Are you really fucking kidding me lady? And in a more upwards direction, I'm going really? REALLY, Space Coyote? *This* is gonna be the experience that you subject me to, in what is supposed to be the happiest day of my recent life? I'm supposed to be sitting in my seat with a big shit eating grin on my face, and so happy for being on this plane, and so proud of myself for finally making it happen. Not, never, no way... *THIS* other bullshit, instead. The reality of the moment did not, shall we say, match the fantasy, whatsoever. Eventually, after being kicked in this way multiple times, I addressed the mom directly, and asked her to please keep his feet off of me. This succeeded in getting her to remove them *that* particular time. Not the next and the next and the next when he did it again. Finally, through it's presumably horrible decorum to take such matters into your own hands in any normal situation like this, I just started brusquely shoving his feet off of my leg *myself* whenever he would do it from that point, and that seemed to get the mom to sort of start to get it. If you're really not gonna do it lady, then I sure as fucking will.


So it is in this state of affairs that I proceeded across the country for five hours, *trapped*, leaving everyone and everything that I know behind, and I'm tired and miserable as fuck, I haven't slept in god knows how long, and I'm scared that my cat is not gonna surive all this, how could I do this to him, much less me, and I quit my stable, secure job, my *career* that I've had on the east coast for all these years, and my "project" for my future, the parts that I've known how to do anyway, are over now, and I maybe I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing from here on out, now I'm totaly winging it, and maybe it's gonna crash and burn... And I'm thinking back, to all of those months and years before, back in time, dreaming of this then future moment, when I will have finally succeded and been on my way the bay. And those fantasy day dreams were of course *nothing* like this hellish actual reality.

Maybe it will *all* be like this. That was all dream and fantasy, and this is the real fucking world, where dreams to not come true, and people die alone in the ditch. I have ruined my fucking life... *crying... fucking CRYING to myself for much of that plane ride. *THIS* plane ride, the one taking me to the bay...*


So. All that stuff is past too now, and water under the bridge. I bring it up in such excruciating detail here now, only for this reason...

So that, by juxtaposition, I can exclaim to you all how ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL AND GENEROUS AND KIND AND TERRIFIC that every one of you over here has been to me so far!!! Really, I just cannot thank you enough - once I actually got off that fucking plane and have been here among you, every moment has just been magical, and as good or beyond anything that I could have ever hoped for. I've just been so happy, and cared for and looked after, newly befriended with open arms.. You guys in the bay have been just simply amazing, and I cannot thank you enough! *HUGS ALL!!!* And I so look forward to meeting more of you and to getting to know you all better, and taking part in all of the amazing things that are going on here all the time.

I'm here now, I'v finally made it Home. And, it really has been feeling like the home that I always dreamed it would be.

The project is not over, I've still got a long journey ahead, and a lot of stuff do now, to more fully establish myself here for real, in the way that I need to be. But, I know that I really can do it, after all... And it's because YOU guys are here with me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, and, I'm so looking forward to keeping on getting to know you. Thank you for welcoming me home! :D

Oh yes, and also Benny as well, who has been happily purring on the couch here the whole time, and if nothing has even happened at all.

<3 <3 <3!


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Quentin Coyote

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